Harvest of Joy.

We need Your light, Lord. Guide us in Your love and grace. -Phil Wickham

My precious Jesus,
Who am I to think I can do anything on my own? Fall on me. I am taken back by Your mercy and love--how you chose me. I am only at home when I am with you. Come to me, Lord. I am ready for transformation. No matter what it takes. I am only on this earth to bring you glory. I am Yours and Yours alone. Let others see You in me. I want nothing of myself. I can't help but dwell on Your goodness.

Referring to Luke 8:11-15..."Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away. And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and beat fruit with patience."

"Why do some people see the results of the Word and others don't? Why do some study the Word of God yet remain in their captivity? Some just eat the seed and never sow it for harvest. You want examples? Why have many of us heard hundreds of messages on freedom, done every line of Bible studies, wept over them, been blessed by them, and even memorized parts of them, yet remain in captivity? Because we ate the seed instead of sowing it. Why have many of us read books on forgiving people, known the teachings were true and right, cried over them, marked them up with our highlighters, yet remain in our bitterness? Because we are the seed instead of sowing it. Why have we repeatedly heard how Christ has forgiven our sinful pasts and sobbed with gratitude over the grace of it, yet we remain in bondage to condemnation? Because we ate the seed instead of sowing it. The seed of God's Word can fill our stomachs and give us immediate satisfaction and still not produce harvest--that's when we eat it but don't sow it. God's Word is meant to be applied to our reality." -Stepping Up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent; Beth Moore

Hear the thunder of who God is. Become captured. Sow the seed for harvest.

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galatians 6:9-10

Thank you Lord for being a mystery to us.

Selah.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.

Frustration. My life has been centered around this word the past week. Can I just say it suck trying to find a job here. Ugh. I have applied at 18 places...and followed up with some as well. No luck. Which leads to me being a failure. At least I feel like one.

I've fallen so far away from the place I started from. Those are lyrics in the song I am listening to right now. Tasty.

I finally hung out with Hannah today. Girl time is much needed. I feel so good around her. I love that I can talk to her about anything and don't have to worry about her going off and telling the whole world. How come we can't find trust like that more often? This world is slowly deteriorating. Okay, not slowly. It is happening rather quickly.

My moods have been all over the place as of late. It is absolutely ridiculous. One minute I am happy and then next I am frustrated. Probably because I am not eating regularly. Who would have thought? My goodness. Why is that a constant struggle in my life? I don't understand. It sucks. So badly. But I do not know how to fully let go of it. I about half a bowl's worth of organic bran cereal with a banana today and salad with some bread for dinner...and just from eating that I feel gross and huge. What in the world is wrong? I wish I was just normal. Granted, I've had a few swedish fish. But just a few. I just want to feel good about myself. I am tired of being self conscience. I am tired of feeling like a balloon after chewing on one piece of bran cereal. I know it is happening for a reason. But why is it still happening?

School. I kind of feel like it is a waste of time. I am past the whole "college scene"...it is pointless. The drinking, smoking and "college life" brings no fulfillment whatsoever. At least to me. I wish we would start bible studies up here on Fridays.

Some friends are going to the Badlander tonight to listen to some sweet beats and dance it up. I really want to go. But Ian wants to study. I, obviously, don't want to study. It's Friday night. I mean, come on. I love him. I really do. I just wish he would step outside of his comfort zone more and do something I like to do without being guilted into it. I feel like I do a lot of things he wants to do. I don't think I am being selfish in thinking this way. But...blog...please, correct me if I am wrong. I just want him to want to do some of the things I want to do. I mean, love sacrifices. Right?

I love Ian. So much.

Hmmm. I could be doing so many things with my life right now. Why am I here? I guess it is a good thing I am not in control of my life. Why is having control so addictive? What makes one person right? Why is there pride?

I wonder why my mood swings have been so bad lately. Hmmm.

Sometimes I don't feel like I am good enough. I am so grateful for Jesus.

How To Be Dead.

I never seem to know how to talk about my feelings. The dumpster is a tantalizing place to call home. I have no idea why either. I can't be descriptive anymore. I don't know how to write. I don't know how to talk. I don't know my feelings. I can't say what I want to say. Everything comes out wrong. I am not creative like I used to be. The pause button for my brain was pressed quite sometime ago. I think the button is jammed.

It is all the same. Life is the same. Nothing changes. There is nothing new under the sun.

Why can't I be descriptive?

What is wrong with me?

Where is my creativity?

I can never find words.

Ugh.

I am running from anyone here. Who is anyone? Running to depression and love alike. Warmth is found in the tears climbing up my cheekbone. Not down any longer.

There is someone inside of me trying to escape. She can't. I can't comprehend things as I used to. I can't focus.

These problems did not just arise. I did it to myself. Who would have thought there would be so many consequences? Not I. My past. It is all going to change. Somehow.

I am not who I was. For that I am grateful. But something is not right.

Breathe into these empty lungs. Peel away the layers of failure. Peel away my sin. Take my tongue.

Vulnerability.

Just press play. Just do it.

To fail.

Frustration is seeping through every single one of my veins at the moment. Why in the world is it so difficult to find a job? I am going to start a business..."For the people who can't seem to find a place to work"...It is going to be a success. You just wait and see.

I hate being sick. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Gosh, I feel like I am going through menopause or something. It is ridiculous. Maybe I am? Menopause at 20. Dang, that sure would suck.

I wish I were a little girl again. Where all I worried about was where my tutu was, which princess outfit I was going to wear next, how many colors of nail polish I would paint on my nails...which coloring book I would use to scribble in, etc. I want my biggest care to be trying to color inside the lines. Those were the days. I remember, I was four, taking a shower....as I picked up the L'oreal tear-free shampoo, I said, I don't ever want to grow up and I never want to kiss any boy other than my dad and brother. My, how things have changed. I was convinced I was going to marry my brother so I would not have to kiss another boy. Ha ha. Gross. It seemed so right in my wee mind. Hmmm.

I just want to be Pocahontas.

Where has time gone?

One almond, two almond, three almond, cashew

Red, as I walk down the path
to a place where a lie meets the truth;
The truth-deceitful reality
Framed thoughts flutter and retreat
Over and around
From the Statue of Liberty, green and full
of brokenness,
journeying to the banality of a math textbook;
life.
Encompassing fulfillment
"I am alive"
The stillness of the red sky envelops.
I dwell.
Taking me to the place of comfort-
The Break-it begins; streets swelling, wind
chasing
Red turns to cream
Cream.
The tears pouring down
in to
One cup-two souls
boiling over
"Heat is not mercy"
Mercy, not found but in One

Which?

I am dwelling in the red of life.
Remembering to take the path of love, not power.
Reassuring myself that God will deliver me from this prison.
Bitterness.
Frustration.
Hatred.
Useless self control.
Lust.
Frames of deceit.
Conditional.
Fractured.
Broken.
Where is this grace you speak of? Where is the joy of salvation?
You are a mystery.
Away with seeking.
Envelop me.

Deas vail.

Hide.

Give it up to Akon. Dream maker.

Yeah, no idea.

School. It started already. My goodness, where has time gone? Where is my life going? I don't want to grow up. I can't handle this business.

I planned on venting. Not happening.