Namaste.

"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity."

"By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder."

"Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe."

Where do I find my confidence? What brings my insecurities? What do I value? Is God truly enough for me?

Thoughts. Good.

Incense.

I struggle with being pure in every possible way. I want to have pure thoughts, actions and so on. I want to be pure. I am so stained. It is becoming more apparent to me as the days pass. Sometimes I feel as though I am putting on a show for others. Is that normal? I don't think I am. But I don't feel totally transparent. I want to be.

The Thief by Brooke Fraser just came on my itunes. Reminds me of Ian :)

You know when you care for someone so much...you want what is best for them...you want to be with them all of the time...you never want to leave their side...you want to make them smile...to make them feel special...to feel loved...that they are the one you have your eyes on and none other...am I making sense? I am making grammatical mistakes all over the place. Sorry to whomever reads this. I don't care to fix them though. I deeply care for Ian...in a way that I am not familiar with. I'm surprised I did not run long ago. Because that is what I usually do. I do not do well with vulnerability and climbing down the tower that I have been so comfortable in for many years. You know...when you get to the place in a relationship where you cannot picture your life with the person? Yeah, that is how I am with Ian. That scares me. I'm in this if God wants it. Sometimes I wonder if I just tell myself God wants it and He really doesn't..I doubt. Yes, it is true. But don't we all? I guess I just am used to getting close to people and then it all dissipates. I do not want that to happen. I really don't think it will though. I told the Lord I did not want to be with anyone if it was not going to be for the rest of my life...and I stuck to it for two years. But meeting Ian...everything has just seemed to happen so naturally. He is so intriguing, I wish I could be inside his brain for a few days. We are so incredibly different and I love it. He is more than I have ever prayed for. The Lord has truly blessed me!

At times I have a really hard time sorting my thoughts. It is rather frustrating. Today was an interesting day. The afternoon was rough. I almost freaked and just walked out of Ian's house. I'm glad I did not do that. I have often thought about taking a few days and not talking to him and really pursuing the Lord and listening to see if this is right...just me and the Lord. Does that make any sense? I don't want to hurt Ian though. It is not that I don't care about him...I mean, read the huge paragraph above. I just want to not be in this if this is not right. I decided the other night if the Lord brought me to Ian just to help him work through things of his past, to show him it is okay to talk and to love him... than that is okay with me. I am here to love him and love him unconditionally. I hope he can see that.

Love. What a powerful thing. I cannot wrap my mind around love. Yet, I continue to try.

The other night when Ian and I were hanging out Haeli sent him a few text messages and picture message or whatever. That really bugged me. It is an onward struggle for me. I keep handing it over to God and continue to pray about it. Still I struggle..badly at that. I do not want to be that girl that is jealous because I know how it feels to be with someone who is jealous of every walking person of the opposite sex. It is not fun. I think it is just the fact that they have a past together and I know she is not over it because I know how girls work. I talked to Ian a bit about it. But I do not want to make a huge deal out of it. Although I do think about it all of the time. It is rather annoying. I suppose I am being taught something through all of this though. I just wish she would not talk to him..because after Jonathan and I broke up and we still talked every so often it always gave me hope that we would get back together sometime and he always sent me mixed signals even if he did not mean to. I mean I am a girl and he is a boy..we both take things differently. Right? Right. I feel a bit better after having written about that whole situation. I wish it would just all go away. It hurts. I don't like hurting.

The Lord is good. He will quiet my soul.

I am here to be used by Him.

Bring me to knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself. I belong to You.

I have been thinking a lot about California as of late. I miss my friends. I wonder why I had to leave. I mean I chose to leave. But I wonder why it was what I needed to do. It is strange. I miss it there. I do not know why either. Of all things I expect myself to miss my friends there but not CBU itself. I don't know.

I want to move to Missoula. Actually I would much rather just move out of state. Why do I want to get out of here so badly? I do not have anyone to live with. Presents a problem. Am I supposed to be going to school? Seriously. I am so clueless. Still.

Ian and I led worship on Sunday. Well, he did actually. It was good. I like leading worship with him :) Just him, myself and zee guitar. Goodness in a cup. :)

Lead me to the cross.

Pour Out by Shawn McDonald

Pour out your water
That I might take a sip
Your love consumes me
Every drip
It is like Honey
On my lips
Pour out your water
That I might take a sip

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need

Pour out your mercy
and clear this busy mind
your love is like Eden
a slice of apple pie
It is like sugar on my tongue
So pour out your mercy
clear my busy mind

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need


That song describes how I feel. The end.