Namaste.

"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity."

"By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder."

"Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe."

Where do I find my confidence? What brings my insecurities? What do I value? Is God truly enough for me?

Thoughts. Good.

Incense.

I struggle with being pure in every possible way. I want to have pure thoughts, actions and so on. I want to be pure. I am so stained. It is becoming more apparent to me as the days pass. Sometimes I feel as though I am putting on a show for others. Is that normal? I don't think I am. But I don't feel totally transparent. I want to be.

The Thief by Brooke Fraser just came on my itunes. Reminds me of Ian :)

You know when you care for someone so much...you want what is best for them...you want to be with them all of the time...you never want to leave their side...you want to make them smile...to make them feel special...to feel loved...that they are the one you have your eyes on and none other...am I making sense? I am making grammatical mistakes all over the place. Sorry to whomever reads this. I don't care to fix them though. I deeply care for Ian...in a way that I am not familiar with. I'm surprised I did not run long ago. Because that is what I usually do. I do not do well with vulnerability and climbing down the tower that I have been so comfortable in for many years. You know...when you get to the place in a relationship where you cannot picture your life with the person? Yeah, that is how I am with Ian. That scares me. I'm in this if God wants it. Sometimes I wonder if I just tell myself God wants it and He really doesn't..I doubt. Yes, it is true. But don't we all? I guess I just am used to getting close to people and then it all dissipates. I do not want that to happen. I really don't think it will though. I told the Lord I did not want to be with anyone if it was not going to be for the rest of my life...and I stuck to it for two years. But meeting Ian...everything has just seemed to happen so naturally. He is so intriguing, I wish I could be inside his brain for a few days. We are so incredibly different and I love it. He is more than I have ever prayed for. The Lord has truly blessed me!

At times I have a really hard time sorting my thoughts. It is rather frustrating. Today was an interesting day. The afternoon was rough. I almost freaked and just walked out of Ian's house. I'm glad I did not do that. I have often thought about taking a few days and not talking to him and really pursuing the Lord and listening to see if this is right...just me and the Lord. Does that make any sense? I don't want to hurt Ian though. It is not that I don't care about him...I mean, read the huge paragraph above. I just want to not be in this if this is not right. I decided the other night if the Lord brought me to Ian just to help him work through things of his past, to show him it is okay to talk and to love him... than that is okay with me. I am here to love him and love him unconditionally. I hope he can see that.

Love. What a powerful thing. I cannot wrap my mind around love. Yet, I continue to try.

The other night when Ian and I were hanging out Haeli sent him a few text messages and picture message or whatever. That really bugged me. It is an onward struggle for me. I keep handing it over to God and continue to pray about it. Still I struggle..badly at that. I do not want to be that girl that is jealous because I know how it feels to be with someone who is jealous of every walking person of the opposite sex. It is not fun. I think it is just the fact that they have a past together and I know she is not over it because I know how girls work. I talked to Ian a bit about it. But I do not want to make a huge deal out of it. Although I do think about it all of the time. It is rather annoying. I suppose I am being taught something through all of this though. I just wish she would not talk to him..because after Jonathan and I broke up and we still talked every so often it always gave me hope that we would get back together sometime and he always sent me mixed signals even if he did not mean to. I mean I am a girl and he is a boy..we both take things differently. Right? Right. I feel a bit better after having written about that whole situation. I wish it would just all go away. It hurts. I don't like hurting.

The Lord is good. He will quiet my soul.

I am here to be used by Him.

Bring me to knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself. I belong to You.

I have been thinking a lot about California as of late. I miss my friends. I wonder why I had to leave. I mean I chose to leave. But I wonder why it was what I needed to do. It is strange. I miss it there. I do not know why either. Of all things I expect myself to miss my friends there but not CBU itself. I don't know.

I want to move to Missoula. Actually I would much rather just move out of state. Why do I want to get out of here so badly? I do not have anyone to live with. Presents a problem. Am I supposed to be going to school? Seriously. I am so clueless. Still.

Ian and I led worship on Sunday. Well, he did actually. It was good. I like leading worship with him :) Just him, myself and zee guitar. Goodness in a cup. :)

Lead me to the cross.

Pour Out by Shawn McDonald

Pour out your water
That I might take a sip
Your love consumes me
Every drip
It is like Honey
On my lips
Pour out your water
That I might take a sip

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need

Pour out your mercy
and clear this busy mind
your love is like Eden
a slice of apple pie
It is like sugar on my tongue
So pour out your mercy
clear my busy mind

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need


That song describes how I feel. The end.

Ocean.

Painting.
Sunshine.
Grass.
Jesus.
How He loves.
Water.
Air.
Newspaper.
Forgotten God.
Paint splattered laptop.
Repeat.
Stained fingers.

Repeat.

To be like Stephen.

Repeat.

Temporal.

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

He is always vital.

Perhaps it is not theology we're missing, but rather theological integrity. Many have the knowledge but lack the courage to admit the discrepancy between what we know and how we live.

"Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus" Acts 4:13

Why not me? What is holding me back?

He is jealous for me.

And perhaps the core issue is really about our holding back from giving ourselves to God, rather than our getting "too much" of Him.

An unforeseen kiss.

Repeat.

Stained.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those w ho make peace. James 3

How He loves.

He is infinite and we are finite.

Desire.

He that loveth not knoweth not God -1 John 4:8

The distinguishing mark of a Christian is his confidence in the love of Christ, and the yielding of his affections to Christ in return. First, faith sets her seal upon the man by enabling the soul to say with the apostle, "Christ loved me and gave Himself for me." Then love gives the countersign, and stamps upon the heart gratitude and love to Jesus in return. "We love Him because He loved us." In those grand old ages, which are the heroic period of the Christian religion, this double mark was clearly to be seen in all believers in Jesus; they were men who knew the love of Christ, and rested upon it as a man leans upon a staff whose trustiness he has tried. The love they felt toward the Lord was not a quiet emotion, which they hid within themselves in the secret chamber of their souls, and which they only spoke of in their private assemblies when they met on the first day of the week, and sang hymns in honor of Christ Jesus, the crucified. Instead, it was a passion with them of such a vehement and all-consuming energy, that it was visible in all their actions, spoke in their common talk, and looked out of their eyes even in their commonest glances. Love to Jesus was a flame that fed upon the core and heart of their being; and, therefore, from its own force burned its way into the outer man, and shone there. Zeal for the glory of King Jesus was the seal and mark of all genuine Christians. Because of their dependence upon Christ's love they dared much, and because of their love to Christ they did much, and is the same now. The children of God are ruled in their inmost powers by love-the love of Christ constrains them; they rejoice that divine love is set upon them, they feel it shed abroad in their hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto them, and then by force of gratitude they love the Savior with a pure heart, fervently. My reader, do you love Him?

-Charles Spurgeon

I want to be like that.

...but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. James 3:8-12

I was convicted by that verse today. I wonder how many times I have read it in the past. Today, it hit hard.

Running in the rain. Jumping in puddles. Kaleb. Genesis. Zayzay. Laura. Smiles. Laughter. Simple pleasures.

Obsession.

To the wind with my problems.
To the wind with insecurities.
To the wind with trials.
To the wind with trials.
To the wind with tribulations.
To the wind with not being everything I want to be right now.
To the wind with it all.
Rejoice and look to what is ahead.


God has become my magnificent obsession.



Paul Washer.