Atonement.

Only let you conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ (Philippians 1:27).

The word "conversation" does not merely mean out talk with one another, but the whole course of our life and behavior in the world. The Greek word signifies the actions and the privileges of citizenship, and thus we are commanded to let our actions, as citizens of the New Jerusalem, be such as becomes the gospel of Christ. What sort of conversation is this? In the first place, the gospel is very simple. So Christians should be simple and plain in their habits. There should be about our manner, our speech, our dress, and our whole behavior that simplicity, which is the very soul of beauty. The gospel is preeminently true, it is gold without dross; and the Christian's life will be lusterless and valueless without the jewel of truth. The gospel is a very fearless gospel. It boldly proclaims the truth, whether men like it or not. We must be equally faithful and unflinching. But the gospel is also very gentle. Mark this spirit in its Founder: "A bruised reed He will not break." Some professors are sharper than a thorn-hedge; such men are not like Jesus. Let us seek to win others by the gentleness of our words and acts. The gospel is very loving. It is the message of the God of love to a lost and fallen race. Christ's last command to His disciples was, "Love one another." O for more real, hearty union and love to all the saints; for more tender compassion toward the souls of the worst and vilest men! We must not forget that the gospel of Christ is holy. It never excuses sin; it pardons it, but only through atonement. If our life is to resemble the gospel, we must shun, not merely the grosser vices, but everything that would hinder our perfect conformity to Christ. For His sake, for our own sakes and for the sakes of others, we must strive day by day to let our conversation be more in accordance with His gospel.

-Charles Spurgeon

Prayer.

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

Oxygen.

It's amazing how much deeper I can breathe after working out. Mmmm so good.

I got to see my bridesmaid dress today! I am so excited to get it next weekend!!! Yay :) Now I just have to get my plane ticket and woot!!! I can't believe my friend is getting married :) Makes me SO happy!!! I love that she found someone that she can spend the rest of her life with. Happy. So much of it!!! The Lord is so wonderful :) I'm so glad that Christ is the center of their relationship!!!!! Ah!!!! I'm ecstatic :)

I've been listening to a lot of Caleb Carruth as of late. He is so good.

Ian is going to teach me guitar! Yay!! I'm so excited :) I just want to play for Jesus. It is time.

I miss Ian. I saw him last night...we spent all day together. And I miss him already! Is that lame? Oh well. It's the truth! He amazes me. I've been having a hard time as of late..just feeling like I am in a desert. Last night I was talking to him about it. He helped me so much. What an encouragement he is. That man is transforming more and more each day. It is amazing! I just see more Jesus in him as the days go by. The way he thirsts for the Lord..it leaves me speechless. He is what I have been praying for for two and a half years..and much, much more. I still pray that if the Lord doesn't want him and I together that He will take it away. I just really want the Lord to be glorified through Ian and I and what we share. I am so grateful that the Lord is allowing us to be together at this point in time. I am learning so much. Last night I was doubting and feeling down and he pointed me in the direction of the Lord and seemed to say the exact things I needed to hear. Jesus is so much more than amazing. I'm so full of gratitude.

This song by Caleb Carruth called Darkness Falls is super good. The lyrics are wow.

I started reading Jeremiah today. Poor guy. It is just what I have been needing to read though. I'm excited :) I bought a new Bible yesterday..I love it! Yesterday was such a wonderful day..and the day before was super swell!

On Tuesday, I hung out with Hannah for a bit..then went and hung out with Ian. We went grocery shopping..and then when back to his apartment and made grilled cheese and tomato soup :) He was in charge of the grilled cheese and I, the soup. It was super tasty. I like making dinner with him :) Yesterday we went in the mountains..it was so peaceful. Just what I needed. We went up Sawtooth...went on a wee bit of a jaunt. We spent the whole day together. I like it better when we're together. I feel like a part of me is missing when he isn't around. Does that make any sense? It is a strange, wonderful, scary feeling that I've never experienced before. I like it. A lot!

Ian. A baguette. Hummus. Cucumber. Carrots. Artichokes. My gazebo.

:) :)

Hosanna.

I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love -Hosea 11:4

Our heavenly Father often draws us with the cords of love, but ah! how backward we are to run toward Him! How slowly do we respond to His gentle impulses! He draws us to exercise a more simple faith in Him, but we have not yet attained to Abraham's confidence. We do not leave our worldly cares with God, but, like Martha, we cumber ourselves with much serving. Our meager faith brings leanness into our souls. We do not open our mouths wide, though God has promised to fill them. Does He not this evening draw us to trust Him? Can we not hear Him say, "Come, My child, and trust Me. The veil is rent; enter into My presence, and approach boldly to the throne of My grace. I am worthy of your fullest confidence. Cast your cares on Me. Shake yourself from the dust of your cares, and put on your beautiful garments of joy." But, alas! though called with tones of love to the blessed exercise of this comforting grace, we will not come. At another time He draws us to closer communion with Himself. We have been sitting on the doorstep of God's house, and He bids us advance into the banqueting hall and dine with Him, but we decline the honor. There are secret rooms not yet opened to us; Jesus invites us to enter them, but we hold back. Shame on our cold hearts! We are but poor lovers of our sweet Lord Jesus, not fit to be His servants, much less to be His brides, and yet He has exalted to us to be bone of His bone and flesh of His flesh, married to Him by a glorious marriage-covenant. Herein is love! But it is love that takes no denial. If we do not obey the gentle drawings of His love, He will send affliction to drive us into closer intimacy with Himself. Have us nearer He will. What foolish children we are to refuse those bands of love, and so bring upon our backs that scourge of small cords, which Jesus knows how to use!

Charles Spurgeon




Hosanna: save me.

Shalom.

I like him. A lot.

:)

Mer.

This weekend was quite delightful! It was so nice to have family in town and not work. Gosh, I realized I am just so ready to be done with my job. I feel like my job affects me negatively. Does that make any sense? Or am I making it up in my mind? I just feel like I am being suffocated. Which is not really a nice feeling.

It was so wonderful to see Brittney and Aunt Deanna. I love when they are around. I really hope Brittney moves here. That would be more than fabulous! We went to farmer's market, Saturday morning. It was HIP HOPPIN!!! Farmer's market is where it is at. Ha ha :) But seriously. My people. I felt so wonderful.

Banal. Amelia's graduation. You know...I thoroughly enjoy the word banal. It is one of my favorites. It's 7:30 and I am ready for bed..how lame is that?!?! Usually I really dislike the whole "?!?!?!" thang. Oh well.

Is it lame that it bugs me that Jonathan texted my brother today? Is it bad that I just want him to leave my family alone and be out of my life completely? Maybe that is selfish or not a Godly way of thinking. But I really wish he would just leave my brother alone. It is REALLY annoying. REALLY. Find someone else's little brother to hang out with. I mean. Ugh. Oh well. I should pray about it. I don't have a good attitude about it. It's not that big of a deal if I have the right perspective.

I've been feeling really..I don't even know how to describe with words..the past few months. Just so distant. I've been having hard time with prayer, been super stressed, not truly wanting to spend time with the Lord or yearning to be with Him like I have in the past. FINALLY, I broke down last night. Thank you Jesus. Literally. I was lying in bed, listening to music, crying and writing a prayer. It was so good. There is truly no one like my God. And I am so grateful. When did it ever become okay for me to attempt to find my satisfaction in others or other things? Seriously. Last night was just good. And today was even better.

Solitude. How I love thee. After hanging out with Brit and Aunt Deanna most of the day..I went to the river. Found a field and sat in the middle of it. I read but could not concentrate so I just sat. Rain began to fall, one drop at a time. Faster and faster they fell. I continued to sit in the middle of the field and watched as every one at the park ran to their cars. I sat. Pour out Your love on me. Rain down Your joy. Shower me in Your mercy. I wanna be more like You.

Swinging. Solitude. Barefeet. Sand. Laughter. Smiling. Jesus. Prayer. Breeze. Sunshine. Mountains. Oxygen.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Raisin.

He called me Turbo last night...a lot :)

God is so much more than good.

This song is talking about asking Jesus how far the east is from the west. I wish I could understand.

I just worked out. Totally kicked my butt. I hate pain and love it at the same time. Does that make any sense? My ear itches. I just made some tasty oatmeal with raisins, apples and cinnamon in it. It was mucho deliciouso..and I topped it off with a wee bit o' soy milk. That is what I am talking about!

I really wonder why I am here. I think I am going to quit the job soon. I am scared. I really like everyone that works there. goehofhifhodxfhohrdhser. That is what I think. Thinking gets me in heaps of trouble. I wish I had a holy imagination. I've realized I really need to control my thoughts. Sometimes I just let myself go and I make up all of these stories in my mind and cause myself stress...and NONE of it is even happening. So basically I am stressing for no reason. Garsh, I am so dumb at times. Most of the time actually.

I was talking to Ian last night...and he was telling me how he thinks I am amazing. I told him I didn't understand why but was glad. He responded with...Because your hope and life are built around Jesus. Thats why :).. Dang. I wish I could show you...yes...you, Mr. Website, my smile. He says all of the things I have been praying for in a man for so many years. It scares the poop out of me. Not literally. But if I threw a softball..I think you would catch it. Okay, that made no sense. But really, it scares me. I talked to Laura about it the other night. She said J scared her to death. Good to know! Ha :)

I wish I wrote like I used to. I used to write all of the time. I need to find all of my poetry and what not. I feel like I am not as deep of a thinker and as profound as I used to be. Kind of bugs me. But maybe I needed to be humbled. Hmmm.

I really enjoy the word goodness.

Good.

I love laughter. Lots of it.

This is going to be a play by play...so feel free to just skip to the end or don't read it at all :) However, I think three people read it...so... :)

Today was such a great day! It was definitely needed. I woke up to birdies chirping outside of my window at 6:45...it was weird..I just randomly woke up. However, do not fret! I fell right back to sleep and slept until the lovely hour of nine and a half thirty. Make sense? I think so!

Down I went..ground some coffee beans and made myself some delicious french press. It was a goody of a batch today. I read some and then began my study guide for my Islam test tomorrow. Woot. I finished a half of it..and then read some more goodness. It was...well, how shall I say it..good. Yes, that is the word.

I went to lunch with mi daddio. It was swell! I had eggs (over-medium), wheat toast and fruit salad. My taste buds were more than happy. We had some good talks at lunch. I basically told him all about my Islam class...which is weird because he usually does most of the talking. Things were all switched up today :) He brought up journalism..I think I would like to be a journalist. That could be rad. Just another thought to add to my cluelessness. And boy howdy, do I love being clueless or do I love being clueless.

After such wonder and excitement, I meandered on over to Liasons, planted myself at a table, threw my books on the table, got an americano and finished my study guide. It was a good time. I researched a lot online..learned some sweet stuff!

THEN...I went to the bookstore...bought a sweet book about Chaos with US, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Central Asia. I am a nerd. I'm super stoked to read it :) He he. I walked around town..and went to the bakery to visit Karisse. She makes me smile. We chatted and shared a smoothie..even though she was working and I wasn't. Ha ha. Good stuff. After that adventure..it was time for the...

Drum roll please.....the CHIROPRACTOR!!! So, there has been something wrong with my foot for quite some time but I have just been ignoring it and continue to run on it which was super dumb on my part. She fixed it but golly gee whiz, it stinking hurt! And I usually am not much of a wuss when it comes to physical pain. It hurt badly. So I can't run for a week. This shall be interesting..we'll see if I listen to such a wack rule! Ha.

Nolan is in town for the next few days! We went to dinner at the Spice. It was so awesome! So stinking good to see him and give him a hug. He's still wonderful Nolan! Gosh, I love that kid. It was so good just to sit and catch up :) Plus the food was super tasty. I had Sesame Tofu Noodle Salad. So tasty...which about ten slices of bread. But shhh..don't tell!

I debated going to Dairy Queen after to get some ice cream because it sounded super tasty..but then didn't..however when I drove past, I saw Julian, Haeli and Ginger's car so I thought I'd stop by. Yeah, I didn't stop by..I got my kiddie cone and stayed forever. It was so much fun! So much laughter occurred. Shiree, Haeli and I stood outside and talked for a really long time. It was so great! It was just what needed to happen :) I love how God does that. It was SO fun!!!!

What an amazing God He is.

I've been struggling with prayer the last few weeks. I can't find words and I just don't feel like praying. So terrible to say but I am not going to lie. Finally, I realized I was struggling with it..and right when I realized such things..it seemed like everyone was asking me to pray for them. It was awesome..and totally a slap in the face. So good.

My cousin and aunt are coming into town Friday evening. I am so excited for this weekend! I haven't seen them in a long time. I can't wait. It will be wonderful to just be in their presence :)

I read this today...hit me hard...God's existence can never be tested by human thought. All proofs are mere demonstrations of our thirst for Him. Does the thirsty man need proof for his thirst? Faith does not detach man from thinking, it does not suspend reason. It is opposed not to knowledge but to indifferent aloofness to the essence of living. Faith means to hold small things great, to take light matters seriously, to distinguish the common and ghe passing from the aspect of the lasting.

Dang.

:)

Cultivate.

I just want to serve You, Lord.

Please allow me to hear You in this piercing silence.

What a beautiful mess this is.

Purple.

I like him. A lot.

I love how he randomly quotes poetry snd excerpts from books.

I love spending time with him.

I love when he looks at me in that certain way. I can't describe it with words. But I love it.

I love that he fears the Lord.

I love how he knows when something is wrong without me saying anything.

I love when our fingers are intertwined.

All he has to do is touch my hand and he gives me goosebumps. I love that.

I love lying next to him and listening to him breathe.

I love praying for him.

I love dancing weird with him in his kitchen.

I love when he tickles me.

I love how he calls me Turbo when I walk too fast.

I love his touch.

I love that he is simple.

I love walking up to his apartment door, knocking and waiting for him to open it....I get so excited!!

There are many, many more things...maybe I'll go a bit at a time... :)

Tile.

Sometimes I feel so distant. From everyone..even the Lord. I hate valleys. I keep telling myself they produce fruit. But I hate feeling this way. I don't even know why I feel this way either. Ugh.

It's okay. It is a time of refining.

May You be praised and glorified even in the storm.

I am Yours and Yours alone.

Iberian.

I wish there was more Iberian influence in my life. Yup. That's all. Okay...so I may be kind of studying for my Music of the World test tomorrow..and I was just going through the study guide and slide shows..and it was talking about the Iberian influence in Latin America. I'm Latino. Bet you didn't know that! Neither did I..until..well a few seconds ago when I wrote that.

Sometimes I drink too much green tea :) But it is so tasty. So that definitely justifies everything. And by everything..I mean everything. Okay, yeah.

Today is mother's day. I love my mom. I can't wait to be a mom some day. Some days I just want to quit school, get married and have children. Yeah. That isn't happening though. It will happen in the Lord's time :)

I've been feeling distant and tired as of late. I think I am ready for a break from school. I miss having time with just my Jesus and I. I've been putting my time into other things which is not okay. I'm glad I am realizing it though. A slap in the face is always a good thing!

He will always be God.

He is constant.

Wow.

So, I think I am going to take a break from singing on the worship team for a while. It just seems to be becoming so habitual for me..if that makes any sense. I feel like I am just doing it for myself. And I hate when I make it a show in my mind. I had enough of that in California and I don't ever want to be that way again. It literally hurts my heart just thinking about it. Ugh.

It is so interesting to think about all the things that have happened throughout my life. Strange. Life is going by so quickly. I mean, I know, I am only 19...but I used to think 14 was SUPER old. Dang. My, how things change.

I drove up to see Ian yesterday after work. I like him. :) I miss him when he's not around...even though I was with him last night! Call me lame...I don't care :)

Finals start tomorrow. Joy to the world :)

Pp and I are picking out our apartment tomorrow. I'm excited :) It is time for something new!

I went on a run today. It sucked but felt so good at the same time :) I've been eating non stop today..so hungry. I'll probably feel nasty tomorrow. Oh well!

I got a text message..well picture message..from Ian. I always smile when his name pops up on my phone screen :) He's pretty much more than wonderful. Just to lay next to him...yeah, I love it!

Julian's message was really good tonight. It was, seriously, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I love how God does that. He is holy. My Lord.

I really enjoy ice cream. And running. And nutella. Pickles. Green tea. Coffee. And Barney.

Huh.

I listened to depressing music the whole way home.

I was in a good mood this morning and through mid afternoon.

It's funny how something so little can affect (effect?) me enough to put me in a funk.

Huh.

Burp.

I've been trying to study since 8:30 this evening. It is not happening. Gah.

I basically had the best burp of my life this evening.

I'm tired.

I worked out twice today..over did it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own world.

I feel better when Ian is around.

I can't go to Wednesday nights anymore..I feel so old compared to everyone. It's weird.

I love to sing to the Lord.

I think I am going to actually learn guitar this summer.

I'm texting Tanner.

I just wrote a paper in about ten minutes.

Life.

Ark.

I no longer own makeup.

I haven't been wearing any for quite sometime now. So I just threw my mascara away..and gave my blush to my mom. Considering that is all the makeup I owned anyway. I just really want to learn to embrace the natural beauty God gave me. Even if I am not beautiful in the world's eyes...I know God made me this way for a reason.

Hmm..what will be next to go?

That may sound petty to a lot of you. But that is where I am and what I have been thinking about. So deal with it! Ha ha ha :)

Anywho, I am sitting in my bed...and it is only 9:30. Ha ha! How lame. I think I have some homework I should be doing. Alas, I am not. No surprise though. I am tired of all of my classes..except for Modern Islamic Civilization. It is time for new classes. I should probably figure out what I am majoring in though. Ha! Man, I am so far behind in what people call life. I am still super clueless. I freaked out about it the other night. But feel so much better now..just sitting in the ark. What is there to worry about? God is always in control...and when I try to be in control...well, yeah, nothing works! Ever. I wonder (quite frequently) why I am in college. Is it just because I want to be "accepted" by society? If so..I have my priorities all mixed up. Hmmm. I don't think that is why though. It's strange. I have no idea why I was supposed to move back to Montana or why I was supposed to work at River Rising or why I was supposed to go the the University of Montana. I still have no idea why. I mean...I could have been in Africa a long time ago..but it didn't feel like the right time. I just know this is what God has wanted. Yet it still makes no sense to me. I feel as though going to U of M has been good...I think part of the reason I was supposed to go there was to meet Ian..I mean I would have met him from church...but the conversation starter went along the lines of me saying...hey, we go to the same school, we should get coffee sometime..who knows. Maybe it is too soon to think that way. But I just can't help myself.

I need to be humbled.

Yesterday was a super swell day. I worked all day..which was tiring but I tried to let Christ work through me. It was rough. Why is that rough? It shouldn't be. I struggle so much with saying no to my flesh..or at least it seems slash feels like it. Ugh. Work did go pretty well though. Just a super long day. I love homeless people. Then I drove up to Missoula with Tanner...I went to go hang out with Ian :) Tanner went ice skating and to dinner with Stephen. Ian and I walked around town..and went to go get coffee but never ended up getting any. Ha! It was better that way though :) We hung out for a bit..then Tanner came. They ended up playing some goodness on the guitar and bass while I fell asleep on the couch. I couldn't help myself! I was exhasted for one...and then Ian was playing and singing this beautiful song and it just put me to sleep :) I like him. So much. I can't even believe it. It is just so natural. I tend to find things wrong in others to come up with excuses of why we can't be together..or run when I get scared. But I am super scared (in a good way) and I just can't come up with any excuses. And I have tried. Believe me! He is just so wonderful. I was talking about him with Hollee tonight :) Every time someone mentions him or asks me about him...I just can't stop smiling. I get all excited! He he he :)

Today was pretty swell as well. I slept until 12. Ha ha! How lame. I think I needed it though. I chilled and read slash drank coffee for a bit. Then went to Hannah's...we chatted, sipped on some delightful java, went on a run, got ripped and it was FABULOUS! :) I love running. I love when I am in pain but know that it is only physical and I will get over it. I love when I can't breathe because my body is working so hard. Is that weird?

Goodness..I just want to go hiking! I want the weather to get better now so I can get in those mountains! It is time. I'm getting a twitch because I haven't been in the woods for a while. I miss it. Soon and very soon! Ian is going to take me kayaking this summer! I am so excited. Hopefully I don't die...but if I do, I'll be with Jesus. So all is well! Ha!

I really like Ian.

Did I mention I like Ian?

I didn't sing at church tonight. I was upset with Julian. He said something that really hurt my feelings so I didn't sing. I know that is not a good way to handle such things. He knew he hurt my feelings too. Sometimes I don't understand him..or why he says some things. But I suppose that happens to all of us. I mean we are human. He tried to talk to me about it but I didn't want any of it. I was rude. Which wasn't good. It almost made me cry. I should probably stop being immature and just talk to him.

I'm listening to Ray LaMontagne. So good. I haven't listened to him in quite sometime. He is mmm mmm good. Like Campbell's soup..but better. Way better!

Crazy Love by Francis Chan is a really good book. It is making me think.

I love the Lord. So much.