Thirst.

You hold everything together.

My mom just got a tattoo on her foot. She got the word laminin. Laminin is a cell adhesive molecule that is basically glue for your body. If we didn't have it..we would be mooosh!! And it is in the shape of a cross. How INCREDIBLE!!! He really does hold eveything together.

I feel so thirsty; physically, spiritually, emotionally. Today has been an interesting day. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It started off well..then just became kind of awkward. I don't like it when people don't like me. It upsets me. I just want to love them. Anyway, it's a long story but I am going to get into it..because writing (or should I say typing) it out will help.

First off...work was crazy busy today or maybe it just seemed like it. However, I was in my own little world the whole day. I have no idea where I was either. I was stuck at the espresso machine for most of the day..but I like making lattes and what not...it is fun to me! So after work..I meandered on down to the river..it's my chill, shalom spot and I usually go swing by myself there..or sit and look at rocks or stare at the mountains or something. So beautiful! However, Haeli was there when I pulled up with my friend Karisse and a few other people that I know. I don't know why it has to be awkward every single time I see her. It hurts. I mean I know she is hurting but I am being genuine. And trying to love her even if she thinks I am scum at the bottom of a pool. Which is understandable. Ugh. This sounds so petty. I didn't even mean to start having feelings for Ian. I was just planning on being his friend. That is all. I wish I could talk with Haeli. But I don't think she would be responsive with anything I would have to say to her. I just hope somehow my flesh gets out of the way and somehow she can see Jesus in me. I don't know how. I pray she finds the Lord someday. I am very grateful Karisse is in her life. She is such a light. I feel so bad. I want to give Haeli a hug or at least talk to her or something. But I suppose I am the problem here. Am I doing something wrong?

Ugh. Frustrations. I just really want God's will to be done. I am ready to just be married and not have to deal with any of this bogus junk. It is so lame.

I really like coffee. I have to open tomorrow...means I have to be to work at 7:30 am. Joy. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work but am grateful for my job.

Hannah and I found an apartment in Missoula (an hour away...where my school is). It is super sweet! I like it a lot. We'll hopefully be moving in June. I need to look for a job.

I've been thinking a lot lately about faith. Why do I have faith to an extent? When did it ever become okay to be like that? Sometimes I wish I could just see God. Ha. Depletes the purpose. I would be okay with going to heaven tonight. I just want to be with Jesus. Man...I can't wait to hug him (I'm tearing up as I type this). To thank him...hold his hand...kiss his cheek. This wait is so much more than worth it.

I've also been thinking about how we are a mist. We are here for such a short period of time. Why do we settle? Why are we lazy? Why do we say we're going to do things and then never do? I'm mainly speaking to myself. Ugh. Too many thoughts..I don't know if that is possible. I like to think.

I just want to love like Jesus. I want to realize how lowly of a person I am. I can't explain the yearning I feel inside. And it just continues to grow. I have no idea what Jesus is doing inside of me...but he is convicting me on so many different levels.

Jesus clothes my shame.

Wow.

Sometimes I just want to cry because I don't know how else to express my gratitude? Does that make sense?

Ian encourages me to be more like Jesus as the days pass. I am so grateful for who the Lord has made him to be. He is beautiful in so many ways. I'm so grateful. Jesus shines through him. That is so attractive to me. He inspires me. I don't even have words to describe how I feel. Like he said..it's beautiful, different and scary. (He said it better...he always does :) ) It scares me. But I love it. I just want the Lord to be glorified. I pray a lot about him and I...I just want God's will to be done. Whatever it is...I am wholly surrendered to it.

Holy is the Lord. Even in the storm, be glorified.

I am His. And His alone. I am overflowing with His peace at this very moment. Wow.

I went on a run today. Okay, it was more of intervals...sprint, walk, sprint, walk and it continued for quite sometime. Ohhh..it was wonderful! I do love me some running. So refreshing. I hung out with zeee tribe de la lopez this afternoon slash evening. It was wonderful. I love them so much. They are my family. Ezzie cried when I left today. It was precious..not that he was crying..but you know what I mean. Or do you? Ha! Water is tasty. I made a smoothie today...it has blackberries, banana, strawberries, blueberries and soymilk. Antioxidant party in my mouth. It was super good! Super delightful!

Rid me of myself Lord. I want nothing but more of You.