Come.

Alas. I throughly enjoy that word.

So I have to write a six page paper...due tomorrow and I still have yet to begin writing it. Yay! Go me.

I'm reading this book called Crazy Love. It is so stinking good. It keeps punching me in the face, stomach, ankle, elbow..you name it! I'm being punched all over the place. However, I enjoy these punches. It making me think...a lot...about being lukewarm. Man, I am not worthy of anything the Lord has given me. Especially His love. I can't comprehend it. I don't understand why I am His treasure..why He chose me. I just don't get it. And I never will. Sometimes I just really feel like I am being so timid..still being in Montana, going to college and all. I just feel like I am doing what is right in society's eyes. Why would I want to gain knowledge of the world? I mean, I don't even like my classes that much. Why am I in college again? I have no idea. I wish I knew. I know that I am supposed to be in Missoula. But why? I am beginning to feel so restless again. I just want to go. I just want to buy a plane ticket and go. I long to do such things. Gah. However, I am always brought back to there is so much I can do here...I just need to open my eyes and look around. I feel peace about where I am but not at the same time. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I'm ready for another run. I'm meeting Carrie for lunch today and then off I go :) I think I might try to kill myself today...not literally...just with my run. I love it when I am so exhuasted and feel sore. I already am so sore. So this one will be gold. For sure! I'm think about going all out. Hmmm..oh the possibilities. It is all mental.

Shane & Shane is quite lovely. I enjoy listening to them.

So this book...dang. Seriously. Today I read this..."The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him-and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by." Wow. So humbling. It makes me want to cry because that is so true sometimes. How terrible. How could I ever do that to my precious Lord? Sometimes my priorities get so out of order. I realized I don't think I truly hate sin and my flesh. That hurt when I realized that. I feel like I have grown so much in the past years..but still..I've only moved about 1/100 of a centimeter closer to the Lord. I try and I try...I willl keep trying.

Last night Ian and I were talking about the rapture. I want that to happen. I used to want so badly to get married and have children before the rapture. But I would be more than okay if Jesus came back before any of that happened. Who knows if I am even supposed to get married. I would definitely love to though. I want kids of badly. The other day I was holding Ezzie and pushing Kaleb and Genesis on the swings..it was so wonderful. I want that. I want kids of my own. Then I played Princess with G and we were on a mission to find her and Prince and I was her mommy. I never realized it much before..but I want someone to call me mommy. Is that crazy? I mean I am only 19. But it is definitely a huge desire of mine. If I could I would just get married, stop college and have kids. If that is what God wants for me of course. If not, that is more than okay. Because I know His plan is so much greater than mine. And for that I am so grateful.

Do we truly understand that we can die at any second? God can take us at any moment...why isn't that real to us? Or maybe it is real to everyone else other than myself?

Hmm....I have so much more to say. However, I am going to be late for my lunch date with Carrie.

His will.