Kneel.

Why are ye troubled? And why do thoughts arise in your hearts -Luke 24:38

"Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest O Israel, My way is hid from the Lord, and my judgement is passed over from my God?" The Lord cares for all things, and the meanest creatures share in His universal providence, but His particular providence is over His saints. "The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear Him." "Precious shall their blood be in His sight." "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." "We knw that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to His purpose." Let the fact that, while He is the Savior of all men, He is specially the Savior of those who believe, cheer and comfort you. You are His peculiar care, His regal treasure that He guards as the apple of His eye, and His vineyard over which He watches day and night. "The very hairs on your head are all numbered." Let the thought of His special love to you be a spiritual painkiller, a dear quietus to your woe: "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." God says that as much to you as to any saint of old. "Fear not, I am your shield, and your exceeding great reward." We lose much consolation by the habit of reading His promises for the whole church, instead of taking them directly home to ourselves. Believer, grap the divine word with a personal, appropriating faith. Think that you hear Jesus say, "I have prayed for you that your faith fail not." Think you see Him walking on the waters of your trouble, for He is there and He is saying, "Fear not, it is I; be not afraid." Oh, those sweet words of Christ! May the Holy Ghost make you feel them as spoken to you; forget others for awhile-accept the voice of Jesus as addressed to you, and say, "Jesus whispers consolation; I cannot refuse it; I will sit under His shadow with great delight."

-Charles Spurgeon

You're beautiful.

"Enoch walked with God." Genesis 5:24

The test of man's religious life and character is not what he does in the exceptional moments of life, but what he does in the ordinary times, when there is nothing tremendous or exciting on. The worth of a man is revealed in his attitude to ordinary things when he is not before the footlights (John 1:36). It is a painful business to get through into the stride of God, it means getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with God there is always the difficulty of getting into His stride; but when we have got into it, the only characteristic that manifests itself is the life of God. The individual man is lost sight of in his personal union with God, and the stride and the power of God alone are manifested.

It is difficult to get into stride with God, because when we start walking with Him we find He has outstripped us before we have taken three steps. He has different ways of doing things, and we have to be trained and disciplined into His ways. It was said of Jesus-"He shall not fail nor be discouraged," because He never worked from His own individual standpoint but always from the standpoint of His Father, and we have to learn to do the same. Spiritual truth is learned by atmosphere, not by intellectual reasoning. God's Spirit alters the atmosphere of our way of looking at things, and things begin to be possible which never were possible before. Getting into the stride of God means nothing less than union with Himself. It takes a long time to get there, but keep at it. Don't give in because the pain is bad just now, get on with it, and before long you will find you have a new vision and a new purpose.

-Oswald Chambers

Amen.

Selah.

Just lost and consumed with my glorious King.

I cannot wait for Jesus to come back!

Harvest of Joy.

We need Your light, Lord. Guide us in Your love and grace. -Phil Wickham

My precious Jesus,
Who am I to think I can do anything on my own? Fall on me. I am taken back by Your mercy and love--how you chose me. I am only at home when I am with you. Come to me, Lord. I am ready for transformation. No matter what it takes. I am only on this earth to bring you glory. I am Yours and Yours alone. Let others see You in me. I want nothing of myself. I can't help but dwell on Your goodness.

Referring to Luke 8:11-15..."Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away. And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and beat fruit with patience."

"Why do some people see the results of the Word and others don't? Why do some study the Word of God yet remain in their captivity? Some just eat the seed and never sow it for harvest. You want examples? Why have many of us heard hundreds of messages on freedom, done every line of Bible studies, wept over them, been blessed by them, and even memorized parts of them, yet remain in captivity? Because we ate the seed instead of sowing it. Why have many of us read books on forgiving people, known the teachings were true and right, cried over them, marked them up with our highlighters, yet remain in our bitterness? Because we are the seed instead of sowing it. Why have we repeatedly heard how Christ has forgiven our sinful pasts and sobbed with gratitude over the grace of it, yet we remain in bondage to condemnation? Because we ate the seed instead of sowing it. The seed of God's Word can fill our stomachs and give us immediate satisfaction and still not produce harvest--that's when we eat it but don't sow it. God's Word is meant to be applied to our reality." -Stepping Up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent; Beth Moore

Hear the thunder of who God is. Become captured. Sow the seed for harvest.

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galatians 6:9-10

Thank you Lord for being a mystery to us.

Selah.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.

Frustration. My life has been centered around this word the past week. Can I just say it suck trying to find a job here. Ugh. I have applied at 18 places...and followed up with some as well. No luck. Which leads to me being a failure. At least I feel like one.

I've fallen so far away from the place I started from. Those are lyrics in the song I am listening to right now. Tasty.

I finally hung out with Hannah today. Girl time is much needed. I feel so good around her. I love that I can talk to her about anything and don't have to worry about her going off and telling the whole world. How come we can't find trust like that more often? This world is slowly deteriorating. Okay, not slowly. It is happening rather quickly.

My moods have been all over the place as of late. It is absolutely ridiculous. One minute I am happy and then next I am frustrated. Probably because I am not eating regularly. Who would have thought? My goodness. Why is that a constant struggle in my life? I don't understand. It sucks. So badly. But I do not know how to fully let go of it. I about half a bowl's worth of organic bran cereal with a banana today and salad with some bread for dinner...and just from eating that I feel gross and huge. What in the world is wrong? I wish I was just normal. Granted, I've had a few swedish fish. But just a few. I just want to feel good about myself. I am tired of being self conscience. I am tired of feeling like a balloon after chewing on one piece of bran cereal. I know it is happening for a reason. But why is it still happening?

School. I kind of feel like it is a waste of time. I am past the whole "college scene"...it is pointless. The drinking, smoking and "college life" brings no fulfillment whatsoever. At least to me. I wish we would start bible studies up here on Fridays.

Some friends are going to the Badlander tonight to listen to some sweet beats and dance it up. I really want to go. But Ian wants to study. I, obviously, don't want to study. It's Friday night. I mean, come on. I love him. I really do. I just wish he would step outside of his comfort zone more and do something I like to do without being guilted into it. I feel like I do a lot of things he wants to do. I don't think I am being selfish in thinking this way. But...blog...please, correct me if I am wrong. I just want him to want to do some of the things I want to do. I mean, love sacrifices. Right?

I love Ian. So much.

Hmmm. I could be doing so many things with my life right now. Why am I here? I guess it is a good thing I am not in control of my life. Why is having control so addictive? What makes one person right? Why is there pride?

I wonder why my mood swings have been so bad lately. Hmmm.

Sometimes I don't feel like I am good enough. I am so grateful for Jesus.

How To Be Dead.

I never seem to know how to talk about my feelings. The dumpster is a tantalizing place to call home. I have no idea why either. I can't be descriptive anymore. I don't know how to write. I don't know how to talk. I don't know my feelings. I can't say what I want to say. Everything comes out wrong. I am not creative like I used to be. The pause button for my brain was pressed quite sometime ago. I think the button is jammed.

It is all the same. Life is the same. Nothing changes. There is nothing new under the sun.

Why can't I be descriptive?

What is wrong with me?

Where is my creativity?

I can never find words.

Ugh.

I am running from anyone here. Who is anyone? Running to depression and love alike. Warmth is found in the tears climbing up my cheekbone. Not down any longer.

There is someone inside of me trying to escape. She can't. I can't comprehend things as I used to. I can't focus.

These problems did not just arise. I did it to myself. Who would have thought there would be so many consequences? Not I. My past. It is all going to change. Somehow.

I am not who I was. For that I am grateful. But something is not right.

Breathe into these empty lungs. Peel away the layers of failure. Peel away my sin. Take my tongue.

Vulnerability.

Just press play. Just do it.

To fail.

Frustration is seeping through every single one of my veins at the moment. Why in the world is it so difficult to find a job? I am going to start a business..."For the people who can't seem to find a place to work"...It is going to be a success. You just wait and see.

I hate being sick. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Gosh, I feel like I am going through menopause or something. It is ridiculous. Maybe I am? Menopause at 20. Dang, that sure would suck.

I wish I were a little girl again. Where all I worried about was where my tutu was, which princess outfit I was going to wear next, how many colors of nail polish I would paint on my nails...which coloring book I would use to scribble in, etc. I want my biggest care to be trying to color inside the lines. Those were the days. I remember, I was four, taking a shower....as I picked up the L'oreal tear-free shampoo, I said, I don't ever want to grow up and I never want to kiss any boy other than my dad and brother. My, how things have changed. I was convinced I was going to marry my brother so I would not have to kiss another boy. Ha ha. Gross. It seemed so right in my wee mind. Hmmm.

I just want to be Pocahontas.

Where has time gone?

One almond, two almond, three almond, cashew

Red, as I walk down the path
to a place where a lie meets the truth;
The truth-deceitful reality
Framed thoughts flutter and retreat
Over and around
From the Statue of Liberty, green and full
of brokenness,
journeying to the banality of a math textbook;
life.
Encompassing fulfillment
"I am alive"
The stillness of the red sky envelops.
I dwell.
Taking me to the place of comfort-
The Break-it begins; streets swelling, wind
chasing
Red turns to cream
Cream.
The tears pouring down
in to
One cup-two souls
boiling over
"Heat is not mercy"
Mercy, not found but in One

Which?

I am dwelling in the red of life.
Remembering to take the path of love, not power.
Reassuring myself that God will deliver me from this prison.
Bitterness.
Frustration.
Hatred.
Useless self control.
Lust.
Frames of deceit.
Conditional.
Fractured.
Broken.
Where is this grace you speak of? Where is the joy of salvation?
You are a mystery.
Away with seeking.
Envelop me.

Deas vail.

Hide.

Give it up to Akon. Dream maker.

Yeah, no idea.

School. It started already. My goodness, where has time gone? Where is my life going? I don't want to grow up. I can't handle this business.

I planned on venting. Not happening.

M.

HI.

Trip.

It is so easy for me to slip back. It's happening. Is it weird that I crave those feelings of the past? I want to see bones again. I want to be almost invisible. What a constant stupid struggle. But I am letting it unveil itself once again. Maybe this is who I am just supposed to be. Jesus. You are greater than any situation. I keep telling myself that to convince myself. Maybe I'm the only one. I do it to myself. I thrive on conquering this feeling. It's not anyone's fault but my own. They are getting bigger. Looser. My mind is becoming tainted once again. Infection.

Feeling empty is addictive.

Jesus saves.

Index.

"Whenever you are sad of heart and in heaviness of spirit: forget yourself and your little concerns, and seek the welfare and prosperity of Zion. When you bend your knee in prayer to God, limit not your petition to the narrow circle of your own life, tried though it be, but send out your longing prayers for the church's prosperity, "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem," and your soul shall be refreshed."

Charles Spurgeon

It is not enough to just say we love people. Jesus' love always involved sacrifice.

Knowing you need to go somewhere and not knowing where. Trying to hear God and not being able to. Not knowing why either. Frustration. This is where I am.

Unicorn.

Hi people.

I'm twenty now. How strange. My birthday was two days ago. Weird on a stick.

The end :) or the beginning :)

Name.

Live simply.

What does that even mean?

Chirp.

You are the light to my heart and my soul. You are the light to the darkness around me. Jesus.

If today was my last day on this earth...I wonder what I would do differently.

Jesus paid it all.

Necessity.

Spirit fall.

Sustain me.

Namaste.

"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity."

"By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder."

"Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe."

Where do I find my confidence? What brings my insecurities? What do I value? Is God truly enough for me?

Thoughts. Good.

Incense.

I struggle with being pure in every possible way. I want to have pure thoughts, actions and so on. I want to be pure. I am so stained. It is becoming more apparent to me as the days pass. Sometimes I feel as though I am putting on a show for others. Is that normal? I don't think I am. But I don't feel totally transparent. I want to be.

The Thief by Brooke Fraser just came on my itunes. Reminds me of Ian :)

You know when you care for someone so much...you want what is best for them...you want to be with them all of the time...you never want to leave their side...you want to make them smile...to make them feel special...to feel loved...that they are the one you have your eyes on and none other...am I making sense? I am making grammatical mistakes all over the place. Sorry to whomever reads this. I don't care to fix them though. I deeply care for Ian...in a way that I am not familiar with. I'm surprised I did not run long ago. Because that is what I usually do. I do not do well with vulnerability and climbing down the tower that I have been so comfortable in for many years. You know...when you get to the place in a relationship where you cannot picture your life with the person? Yeah, that is how I am with Ian. That scares me. I'm in this if God wants it. Sometimes I wonder if I just tell myself God wants it and He really doesn't..I doubt. Yes, it is true. But don't we all? I guess I just am used to getting close to people and then it all dissipates. I do not want that to happen. I really don't think it will though. I told the Lord I did not want to be with anyone if it was not going to be for the rest of my life...and I stuck to it for two years. But meeting Ian...everything has just seemed to happen so naturally. He is so intriguing, I wish I could be inside his brain for a few days. We are so incredibly different and I love it. He is more than I have ever prayed for. The Lord has truly blessed me!

At times I have a really hard time sorting my thoughts. It is rather frustrating. Today was an interesting day. The afternoon was rough. I almost freaked and just walked out of Ian's house. I'm glad I did not do that. I have often thought about taking a few days and not talking to him and really pursuing the Lord and listening to see if this is right...just me and the Lord. Does that make any sense? I don't want to hurt Ian though. It is not that I don't care about him...I mean, read the huge paragraph above. I just want to not be in this if this is not right. I decided the other night if the Lord brought me to Ian just to help him work through things of his past, to show him it is okay to talk and to love him... than that is okay with me. I am here to love him and love him unconditionally. I hope he can see that.

Love. What a powerful thing. I cannot wrap my mind around love. Yet, I continue to try.

The other night when Ian and I were hanging out Haeli sent him a few text messages and picture message or whatever. That really bugged me. It is an onward struggle for me. I keep handing it over to God and continue to pray about it. Still I struggle..badly at that. I do not want to be that girl that is jealous because I know how it feels to be with someone who is jealous of every walking person of the opposite sex. It is not fun. I think it is just the fact that they have a past together and I know she is not over it because I know how girls work. I talked to Ian a bit about it. But I do not want to make a huge deal out of it. Although I do think about it all of the time. It is rather annoying. I suppose I am being taught something through all of this though. I just wish she would not talk to him..because after Jonathan and I broke up and we still talked every so often it always gave me hope that we would get back together sometime and he always sent me mixed signals even if he did not mean to. I mean I am a girl and he is a boy..we both take things differently. Right? Right. I feel a bit better after having written about that whole situation. I wish it would just all go away. It hurts. I don't like hurting.

The Lord is good. He will quiet my soul.

I am here to be used by Him.

Bring me to knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself. I belong to You.

I have been thinking a lot about California as of late. I miss my friends. I wonder why I had to leave. I mean I chose to leave. But I wonder why it was what I needed to do. It is strange. I miss it there. I do not know why either. Of all things I expect myself to miss my friends there but not CBU itself. I don't know.

I want to move to Missoula. Actually I would much rather just move out of state. Why do I want to get out of here so badly? I do not have anyone to live with. Presents a problem. Am I supposed to be going to school? Seriously. I am so clueless. Still.

Ian and I led worship on Sunday. Well, he did actually. It was good. I like leading worship with him :) Just him, myself and zee guitar. Goodness in a cup. :)

Lead me to the cross.

Pour Out by Shawn McDonald

Pour out your water
That I might take a sip
Your love consumes me
Every drip
It is like Honey
On my lips
Pour out your water
That I might take a sip

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need

Pour out your mercy
and clear this busy mind
your love is like Eden
a slice of apple pie
It is like sugar on my tongue
So pour out your mercy
clear my busy mind

Your words
are a lamp unto my feet
when I walk down these
Dark and Lonely streets
You are all I need


That song describes how I feel. The end.

Ocean.

Painting.
Sunshine.
Grass.
Jesus.
How He loves.
Water.
Air.
Newspaper.
Forgotten God.
Paint splattered laptop.
Repeat.
Stained fingers.

Repeat.

To be like Stephen.

Repeat.

Temporal.

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

He is always vital.

Perhaps it is not theology we're missing, but rather theological integrity. Many have the knowledge but lack the courage to admit the discrepancy between what we know and how we live.

"Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus" Acts 4:13

Why not me? What is holding me back?

He is jealous for me.

And perhaps the core issue is really about our holding back from giving ourselves to God, rather than our getting "too much" of Him.

An unforeseen kiss.

Repeat.

Stained.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those w ho make peace. James 3

How He loves.

He is infinite and we are finite.

Desire.

He that loveth not knoweth not God -1 John 4:8

The distinguishing mark of a Christian is his confidence in the love of Christ, and the yielding of his affections to Christ in return. First, faith sets her seal upon the man by enabling the soul to say with the apostle, "Christ loved me and gave Himself for me." Then love gives the countersign, and stamps upon the heart gratitude and love to Jesus in return. "We love Him because He loved us." In those grand old ages, which are the heroic period of the Christian religion, this double mark was clearly to be seen in all believers in Jesus; they were men who knew the love of Christ, and rested upon it as a man leans upon a staff whose trustiness he has tried. The love they felt toward the Lord was not a quiet emotion, which they hid within themselves in the secret chamber of their souls, and which they only spoke of in their private assemblies when they met on the first day of the week, and sang hymns in honor of Christ Jesus, the crucified. Instead, it was a passion with them of such a vehement and all-consuming energy, that it was visible in all their actions, spoke in their common talk, and looked out of their eyes even in their commonest glances. Love to Jesus was a flame that fed upon the core and heart of their being; and, therefore, from its own force burned its way into the outer man, and shone there. Zeal for the glory of King Jesus was the seal and mark of all genuine Christians. Because of their dependence upon Christ's love they dared much, and because of their love to Christ they did much, and is the same now. The children of God are ruled in their inmost powers by love-the love of Christ constrains them; they rejoice that divine love is set upon them, they feel it shed abroad in their hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto them, and then by force of gratitude they love the Savior with a pure heart, fervently. My reader, do you love Him?

-Charles Spurgeon

I want to be like that.

...but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. James 3:8-12

I was convicted by that verse today. I wonder how many times I have read it in the past. Today, it hit hard.

Running in the rain. Jumping in puddles. Kaleb. Genesis. Zayzay. Laura. Smiles. Laughter. Simple pleasures.

Obsession.

To the wind with my problems.
To the wind with insecurities.
To the wind with trials.
To the wind with trials.
To the wind with tribulations.
To the wind with not being everything I want to be right now.
To the wind with it all.
Rejoice and look to what is ahead.


God has become my magnificent obsession.



Paul Washer.

Atonement.

Only let you conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ (Philippians 1:27).

The word "conversation" does not merely mean out talk with one another, but the whole course of our life and behavior in the world. The Greek word signifies the actions and the privileges of citizenship, and thus we are commanded to let our actions, as citizens of the New Jerusalem, be such as becomes the gospel of Christ. What sort of conversation is this? In the first place, the gospel is very simple. So Christians should be simple and plain in their habits. There should be about our manner, our speech, our dress, and our whole behavior that simplicity, which is the very soul of beauty. The gospel is preeminently true, it is gold without dross; and the Christian's life will be lusterless and valueless without the jewel of truth. The gospel is a very fearless gospel. It boldly proclaims the truth, whether men like it or not. We must be equally faithful and unflinching. But the gospel is also very gentle. Mark this spirit in its Founder: "A bruised reed He will not break." Some professors are sharper than a thorn-hedge; such men are not like Jesus. Let us seek to win others by the gentleness of our words and acts. The gospel is very loving. It is the message of the God of love to a lost and fallen race. Christ's last command to His disciples was, "Love one another." O for more real, hearty union and love to all the saints; for more tender compassion toward the souls of the worst and vilest men! We must not forget that the gospel of Christ is holy. It never excuses sin; it pardons it, but only through atonement. If our life is to resemble the gospel, we must shun, not merely the grosser vices, but everything that would hinder our perfect conformity to Christ. For His sake, for our own sakes and for the sakes of others, we must strive day by day to let our conversation be more in accordance with His gospel.

-Charles Spurgeon

Prayer.

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

Oxygen.

It's amazing how much deeper I can breathe after working out. Mmmm so good.

I got to see my bridesmaid dress today! I am so excited to get it next weekend!!! Yay :) Now I just have to get my plane ticket and woot!!! I can't believe my friend is getting married :) Makes me SO happy!!! I love that she found someone that she can spend the rest of her life with. Happy. So much of it!!! The Lord is so wonderful :) I'm so glad that Christ is the center of their relationship!!!!! Ah!!!! I'm ecstatic :)

I've been listening to a lot of Caleb Carruth as of late. He is so good.

Ian is going to teach me guitar! Yay!! I'm so excited :) I just want to play for Jesus. It is time.

I miss Ian. I saw him last night...we spent all day together. And I miss him already! Is that lame? Oh well. It's the truth! He amazes me. I've been having a hard time as of late..just feeling like I am in a desert. Last night I was talking to him about it. He helped me so much. What an encouragement he is. That man is transforming more and more each day. It is amazing! I just see more Jesus in him as the days go by. The way he thirsts for the Lord..it leaves me speechless. He is what I have been praying for for two and a half years..and much, much more. I still pray that if the Lord doesn't want him and I together that He will take it away. I just really want the Lord to be glorified through Ian and I and what we share. I am so grateful that the Lord is allowing us to be together at this point in time. I am learning so much. Last night I was doubting and feeling down and he pointed me in the direction of the Lord and seemed to say the exact things I needed to hear. Jesus is so much more than amazing. I'm so full of gratitude.

This song by Caleb Carruth called Darkness Falls is super good. The lyrics are wow.

I started reading Jeremiah today. Poor guy. It is just what I have been needing to read though. I'm excited :) I bought a new Bible yesterday..I love it! Yesterday was such a wonderful day..and the day before was super swell!

On Tuesday, I hung out with Hannah for a bit..then went and hung out with Ian. We went grocery shopping..and then when back to his apartment and made grilled cheese and tomato soup :) He was in charge of the grilled cheese and I, the soup. It was super tasty. I like making dinner with him :) Yesterday we went in the mountains..it was so peaceful. Just what I needed. We went up Sawtooth...went on a wee bit of a jaunt. We spent the whole day together. I like it better when we're together. I feel like a part of me is missing when he isn't around. Does that make any sense? It is a strange, wonderful, scary feeling that I've never experienced before. I like it. A lot!

Ian. A baguette. Hummus. Cucumber. Carrots. Artichokes. My gazebo.

:) :)

Hosanna.

I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love -Hosea 11:4

Our heavenly Father often draws us with the cords of love, but ah! how backward we are to run toward Him! How slowly do we respond to His gentle impulses! He draws us to exercise a more simple faith in Him, but we have not yet attained to Abraham's confidence. We do not leave our worldly cares with God, but, like Martha, we cumber ourselves with much serving. Our meager faith brings leanness into our souls. We do not open our mouths wide, though God has promised to fill them. Does He not this evening draw us to trust Him? Can we not hear Him say, "Come, My child, and trust Me. The veil is rent; enter into My presence, and approach boldly to the throne of My grace. I am worthy of your fullest confidence. Cast your cares on Me. Shake yourself from the dust of your cares, and put on your beautiful garments of joy." But, alas! though called with tones of love to the blessed exercise of this comforting grace, we will not come. At another time He draws us to closer communion with Himself. We have been sitting on the doorstep of God's house, and He bids us advance into the banqueting hall and dine with Him, but we decline the honor. There are secret rooms not yet opened to us; Jesus invites us to enter them, but we hold back. Shame on our cold hearts! We are but poor lovers of our sweet Lord Jesus, not fit to be His servants, much less to be His brides, and yet He has exalted to us to be bone of His bone and flesh of His flesh, married to Him by a glorious marriage-covenant. Herein is love! But it is love that takes no denial. If we do not obey the gentle drawings of His love, He will send affliction to drive us into closer intimacy with Himself. Have us nearer He will. What foolish children we are to refuse those bands of love, and so bring upon our backs that scourge of small cords, which Jesus knows how to use!

Charles Spurgeon




Hosanna: save me.

Shalom.

I like him. A lot.

:)

Mer.

This weekend was quite delightful! It was so nice to have family in town and not work. Gosh, I realized I am just so ready to be done with my job. I feel like my job affects me negatively. Does that make any sense? Or am I making it up in my mind? I just feel like I am being suffocated. Which is not really a nice feeling.

It was so wonderful to see Brittney and Aunt Deanna. I love when they are around. I really hope Brittney moves here. That would be more than fabulous! We went to farmer's market, Saturday morning. It was HIP HOPPIN!!! Farmer's market is where it is at. Ha ha :) But seriously. My people. I felt so wonderful.

Banal. Amelia's graduation. You know...I thoroughly enjoy the word banal. It is one of my favorites. It's 7:30 and I am ready for bed..how lame is that?!?! Usually I really dislike the whole "?!?!?!" thang. Oh well.

Is it lame that it bugs me that Jonathan texted my brother today? Is it bad that I just want him to leave my family alone and be out of my life completely? Maybe that is selfish or not a Godly way of thinking. But I really wish he would just leave my brother alone. It is REALLY annoying. REALLY. Find someone else's little brother to hang out with. I mean. Ugh. Oh well. I should pray about it. I don't have a good attitude about it. It's not that big of a deal if I have the right perspective.

I've been feeling really..I don't even know how to describe with words..the past few months. Just so distant. I've been having hard time with prayer, been super stressed, not truly wanting to spend time with the Lord or yearning to be with Him like I have in the past. FINALLY, I broke down last night. Thank you Jesus. Literally. I was lying in bed, listening to music, crying and writing a prayer. It was so good. There is truly no one like my God. And I am so grateful. When did it ever become okay for me to attempt to find my satisfaction in others or other things? Seriously. Last night was just good. And today was even better.

Solitude. How I love thee. After hanging out with Brit and Aunt Deanna most of the day..I went to the river. Found a field and sat in the middle of it. I read but could not concentrate so I just sat. Rain began to fall, one drop at a time. Faster and faster they fell. I continued to sit in the middle of the field and watched as every one at the park ran to their cars. I sat. Pour out Your love on me. Rain down Your joy. Shower me in Your mercy. I wanna be more like You.

Swinging. Solitude. Barefeet. Sand. Laughter. Smiling. Jesus. Prayer. Breeze. Sunshine. Mountains. Oxygen.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Raisin.

He called me Turbo last night...a lot :)

God is so much more than good.

This song is talking about asking Jesus how far the east is from the west. I wish I could understand.

I just worked out. Totally kicked my butt. I hate pain and love it at the same time. Does that make any sense? My ear itches. I just made some tasty oatmeal with raisins, apples and cinnamon in it. It was mucho deliciouso..and I topped it off with a wee bit o' soy milk. That is what I am talking about!

I really wonder why I am here. I think I am going to quit the job soon. I am scared. I really like everyone that works there. goehofhifhodxfhohrdhser. That is what I think. Thinking gets me in heaps of trouble. I wish I had a holy imagination. I've realized I really need to control my thoughts. Sometimes I just let myself go and I make up all of these stories in my mind and cause myself stress...and NONE of it is even happening. So basically I am stressing for no reason. Garsh, I am so dumb at times. Most of the time actually.

I was talking to Ian last night...and he was telling me how he thinks I am amazing. I told him I didn't understand why but was glad. He responded with...Because your hope and life are built around Jesus. Thats why :).. Dang. I wish I could show you...yes...you, Mr. Website, my smile. He says all of the things I have been praying for in a man for so many years. It scares the poop out of me. Not literally. But if I threw a softball..I think you would catch it. Okay, that made no sense. But really, it scares me. I talked to Laura about it the other night. She said J scared her to death. Good to know! Ha :)

I wish I wrote like I used to. I used to write all of the time. I need to find all of my poetry and what not. I feel like I am not as deep of a thinker and as profound as I used to be. Kind of bugs me. But maybe I needed to be humbled. Hmmm.

I really enjoy the word goodness.

Good.

I love laughter. Lots of it.

This is going to be a play by play...so feel free to just skip to the end or don't read it at all :) However, I think three people read it...so... :)

Today was such a great day! It was definitely needed. I woke up to birdies chirping outside of my window at 6:45...it was weird..I just randomly woke up. However, do not fret! I fell right back to sleep and slept until the lovely hour of nine and a half thirty. Make sense? I think so!

Down I went..ground some coffee beans and made myself some delicious french press. It was a goody of a batch today. I read some and then began my study guide for my Islam test tomorrow. Woot. I finished a half of it..and then read some more goodness. It was...well, how shall I say it..good. Yes, that is the word.

I went to lunch with mi daddio. It was swell! I had eggs (over-medium), wheat toast and fruit salad. My taste buds were more than happy. We had some good talks at lunch. I basically told him all about my Islam class...which is weird because he usually does most of the talking. Things were all switched up today :) He brought up journalism..I think I would like to be a journalist. That could be rad. Just another thought to add to my cluelessness. And boy howdy, do I love being clueless or do I love being clueless.

After such wonder and excitement, I meandered on over to Liasons, planted myself at a table, threw my books on the table, got an americano and finished my study guide. It was a good time. I researched a lot online..learned some sweet stuff!

THEN...I went to the bookstore...bought a sweet book about Chaos with US, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Central Asia. I am a nerd. I'm super stoked to read it :) He he. I walked around town..and went to the bakery to visit Karisse. She makes me smile. We chatted and shared a smoothie..even though she was working and I wasn't. Ha ha. Good stuff. After that adventure..it was time for the...

Drum roll please.....the CHIROPRACTOR!!! So, there has been something wrong with my foot for quite some time but I have just been ignoring it and continue to run on it which was super dumb on my part. She fixed it but golly gee whiz, it stinking hurt! And I usually am not much of a wuss when it comes to physical pain. It hurt badly. So I can't run for a week. This shall be interesting..we'll see if I listen to such a wack rule! Ha.

Nolan is in town for the next few days! We went to dinner at the Spice. It was so awesome! So stinking good to see him and give him a hug. He's still wonderful Nolan! Gosh, I love that kid. It was so good just to sit and catch up :) Plus the food was super tasty. I had Sesame Tofu Noodle Salad. So tasty...which about ten slices of bread. But shhh..don't tell!

I debated going to Dairy Queen after to get some ice cream because it sounded super tasty..but then didn't..however when I drove past, I saw Julian, Haeli and Ginger's car so I thought I'd stop by. Yeah, I didn't stop by..I got my kiddie cone and stayed forever. It was so much fun! So much laughter occurred. Shiree, Haeli and I stood outside and talked for a really long time. It was so great! It was just what needed to happen :) I love how God does that. It was SO fun!!!!

What an amazing God He is.

I've been struggling with prayer the last few weeks. I can't find words and I just don't feel like praying. So terrible to say but I am not going to lie. Finally, I realized I was struggling with it..and right when I realized such things..it seemed like everyone was asking me to pray for them. It was awesome..and totally a slap in the face. So good.

My cousin and aunt are coming into town Friday evening. I am so excited for this weekend! I haven't seen them in a long time. I can't wait. It will be wonderful to just be in their presence :)

I read this today...hit me hard...God's existence can never be tested by human thought. All proofs are mere demonstrations of our thirst for Him. Does the thirsty man need proof for his thirst? Faith does not detach man from thinking, it does not suspend reason. It is opposed not to knowledge but to indifferent aloofness to the essence of living. Faith means to hold small things great, to take light matters seriously, to distinguish the common and ghe passing from the aspect of the lasting.

Dang.

:)

Cultivate.

I just want to serve You, Lord.

Please allow me to hear You in this piercing silence.

What a beautiful mess this is.

Purple.

I like him. A lot.

I love how he randomly quotes poetry snd excerpts from books.

I love spending time with him.

I love when he looks at me in that certain way. I can't describe it with words. But I love it.

I love that he fears the Lord.

I love how he knows when something is wrong without me saying anything.

I love when our fingers are intertwined.

All he has to do is touch my hand and he gives me goosebumps. I love that.

I love lying next to him and listening to him breathe.

I love praying for him.

I love dancing weird with him in his kitchen.

I love when he tickles me.

I love how he calls me Turbo when I walk too fast.

I love his touch.

I love that he is simple.

I love walking up to his apartment door, knocking and waiting for him to open it....I get so excited!!

There are many, many more things...maybe I'll go a bit at a time... :)

Tile.

Sometimes I feel so distant. From everyone..even the Lord. I hate valleys. I keep telling myself they produce fruit. But I hate feeling this way. I don't even know why I feel this way either. Ugh.

It's okay. It is a time of refining.

May You be praised and glorified even in the storm.

I am Yours and Yours alone.

Iberian.

I wish there was more Iberian influence in my life. Yup. That's all. Okay...so I may be kind of studying for my Music of the World test tomorrow..and I was just going through the study guide and slide shows..and it was talking about the Iberian influence in Latin America. I'm Latino. Bet you didn't know that! Neither did I..until..well a few seconds ago when I wrote that.

Sometimes I drink too much green tea :) But it is so tasty. So that definitely justifies everything. And by everything..I mean everything. Okay, yeah.

Today is mother's day. I love my mom. I can't wait to be a mom some day. Some days I just want to quit school, get married and have children. Yeah. That isn't happening though. It will happen in the Lord's time :)

I've been feeling distant and tired as of late. I think I am ready for a break from school. I miss having time with just my Jesus and I. I've been putting my time into other things which is not okay. I'm glad I am realizing it though. A slap in the face is always a good thing!

He will always be God.

He is constant.

Wow.

So, I think I am going to take a break from singing on the worship team for a while. It just seems to be becoming so habitual for me..if that makes any sense. I feel like I am just doing it for myself. And I hate when I make it a show in my mind. I had enough of that in California and I don't ever want to be that way again. It literally hurts my heart just thinking about it. Ugh.

It is so interesting to think about all the things that have happened throughout my life. Strange. Life is going by so quickly. I mean, I know, I am only 19...but I used to think 14 was SUPER old. Dang. My, how things change.

I drove up to see Ian yesterday after work. I like him. :) I miss him when he's not around...even though I was with him last night! Call me lame...I don't care :)

Finals start tomorrow. Joy to the world :)

Pp and I are picking out our apartment tomorrow. I'm excited :) It is time for something new!

I went on a run today. It sucked but felt so good at the same time :) I've been eating non stop today..so hungry. I'll probably feel nasty tomorrow. Oh well!

I got a text message..well picture message..from Ian. I always smile when his name pops up on my phone screen :) He's pretty much more than wonderful. Just to lay next to him...yeah, I love it!

Julian's message was really good tonight. It was, seriously, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I love how God does that. He is holy. My Lord.

I really enjoy ice cream. And running. And nutella. Pickles. Green tea. Coffee. And Barney.

Huh.

I listened to depressing music the whole way home.

I was in a good mood this morning and through mid afternoon.

It's funny how something so little can affect (effect?) me enough to put me in a funk.

Huh.

Burp.

I've been trying to study since 8:30 this evening. It is not happening. Gah.

I basically had the best burp of my life this evening.

I'm tired.

I worked out twice today..over did it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own world.

I feel better when Ian is around.

I can't go to Wednesday nights anymore..I feel so old compared to everyone. It's weird.

I love to sing to the Lord.

I think I am going to actually learn guitar this summer.

I'm texting Tanner.

I just wrote a paper in about ten minutes.

Life.

Ark.

I no longer own makeup.

I haven't been wearing any for quite sometime now. So I just threw my mascara away..and gave my blush to my mom. Considering that is all the makeup I owned anyway. I just really want to learn to embrace the natural beauty God gave me. Even if I am not beautiful in the world's eyes...I know God made me this way for a reason.

Hmm..what will be next to go?

That may sound petty to a lot of you. But that is where I am and what I have been thinking about. So deal with it! Ha ha ha :)

Anywho, I am sitting in my bed...and it is only 9:30. Ha ha! How lame. I think I have some homework I should be doing. Alas, I am not. No surprise though. I am tired of all of my classes..except for Modern Islamic Civilization. It is time for new classes. I should probably figure out what I am majoring in though. Ha! Man, I am so far behind in what people call life. I am still super clueless. I freaked out about it the other night. But feel so much better now..just sitting in the ark. What is there to worry about? God is always in control...and when I try to be in control...well, yeah, nothing works! Ever. I wonder (quite frequently) why I am in college. Is it just because I want to be "accepted" by society? If so..I have my priorities all mixed up. Hmmm. I don't think that is why though. It's strange. I have no idea why I was supposed to move back to Montana or why I was supposed to work at River Rising or why I was supposed to go the the University of Montana. I still have no idea why. I mean...I could have been in Africa a long time ago..but it didn't feel like the right time. I just know this is what God has wanted. Yet it still makes no sense to me. I feel as though going to U of M has been good...I think part of the reason I was supposed to go there was to meet Ian..I mean I would have met him from church...but the conversation starter went along the lines of me saying...hey, we go to the same school, we should get coffee sometime..who knows. Maybe it is too soon to think that way. But I just can't help myself.

I need to be humbled.

Yesterday was a super swell day. I worked all day..which was tiring but I tried to let Christ work through me. It was rough. Why is that rough? It shouldn't be. I struggle so much with saying no to my flesh..or at least it seems slash feels like it. Ugh. Work did go pretty well though. Just a super long day. I love homeless people. Then I drove up to Missoula with Tanner...I went to go hang out with Ian :) Tanner went ice skating and to dinner with Stephen. Ian and I walked around town..and went to go get coffee but never ended up getting any. Ha! It was better that way though :) We hung out for a bit..then Tanner came. They ended up playing some goodness on the guitar and bass while I fell asleep on the couch. I couldn't help myself! I was exhasted for one...and then Ian was playing and singing this beautiful song and it just put me to sleep :) I like him. So much. I can't even believe it. It is just so natural. I tend to find things wrong in others to come up with excuses of why we can't be together..or run when I get scared. But I am super scared (in a good way) and I just can't come up with any excuses. And I have tried. Believe me! He is just so wonderful. I was talking about him with Hollee tonight :) Every time someone mentions him or asks me about him...I just can't stop smiling. I get all excited! He he he :)

Today was pretty swell as well. I slept until 12. Ha ha! How lame. I think I needed it though. I chilled and read slash drank coffee for a bit. Then went to Hannah's...we chatted, sipped on some delightful java, went on a run, got ripped and it was FABULOUS! :) I love running. I love when I am in pain but know that it is only physical and I will get over it. I love when I can't breathe because my body is working so hard. Is that weird?

Goodness..I just want to go hiking! I want the weather to get better now so I can get in those mountains! It is time. I'm getting a twitch because I haven't been in the woods for a while. I miss it. Soon and very soon! Ian is going to take me kayaking this summer! I am so excited. Hopefully I don't die...but if I do, I'll be with Jesus. So all is well! Ha!

I really like Ian.

Did I mention I like Ian?

I didn't sing at church tonight. I was upset with Julian. He said something that really hurt my feelings so I didn't sing. I know that is not a good way to handle such things. He knew he hurt my feelings too. Sometimes I don't understand him..or why he says some things. But I suppose that happens to all of us. I mean we are human. He tried to talk to me about it but I didn't want any of it. I was rude. Which wasn't good. It almost made me cry. I should probably stop being immature and just talk to him.

I'm listening to Ray LaMontagne. So good. I haven't listened to him in quite sometime. He is mmm mmm good. Like Campbell's soup..but better. Way better!

Crazy Love by Francis Chan is a really good book. It is making me think.

I love the Lord. So much.

Rain.

I know this sounds so lame...but for so long I have locked myself in a very tall tower...not letting any single person in. It's scary climbing down and finding someone that is worth climbing down for. I am not one to put myself out there. I've learned to be content being alone...probably too content. A guy would come along and maybe I would be interested for 3 seconds...then I would find something wrong that I didn't want to deal with..so back I went into my tower. I don't know how to really expain it. However, I like Ian. A lot. I can't help it. Oh him. He is just..wow. I just can't even explain with words...I can't stop smiling. Sometimes I wish people could just see inside my head because at times I have a really hard time explaining things. Anyway, this song by Brooke Fraser...yup...it definitely reminds me of Ian...definitely how I feel :)

The Thief

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait `til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

Your will Lord. Not mine.

Come.

Alas. I throughly enjoy that word.

So I have to write a six page paper...due tomorrow and I still have yet to begin writing it. Yay! Go me.

I'm reading this book called Crazy Love. It is so stinking good. It keeps punching me in the face, stomach, ankle, elbow..you name it! I'm being punched all over the place. However, I enjoy these punches. It making me think...a lot...about being lukewarm. Man, I am not worthy of anything the Lord has given me. Especially His love. I can't comprehend it. I don't understand why I am His treasure..why He chose me. I just don't get it. And I never will. Sometimes I just really feel like I am being so timid..still being in Montana, going to college and all. I just feel like I am doing what is right in society's eyes. Why would I want to gain knowledge of the world? I mean, I don't even like my classes that much. Why am I in college again? I have no idea. I wish I knew. I know that I am supposed to be in Missoula. But why? I am beginning to feel so restless again. I just want to go. I just want to buy a plane ticket and go. I long to do such things. Gah. However, I am always brought back to there is so much I can do here...I just need to open my eyes and look around. I feel peace about where I am but not at the same time. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I'm ready for another run. I'm meeting Carrie for lunch today and then off I go :) I think I might try to kill myself today...not literally...just with my run. I love it when I am so exhuasted and feel sore. I already am so sore. So this one will be gold. For sure! I'm think about going all out. Hmmm..oh the possibilities. It is all mental.

Shane & Shane is quite lovely. I enjoy listening to them.

So this book...dang. Seriously. Today I read this..."The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him-and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by." Wow. So humbling. It makes me want to cry because that is so true sometimes. How terrible. How could I ever do that to my precious Lord? Sometimes my priorities get so out of order. I realized I don't think I truly hate sin and my flesh. That hurt when I realized that. I feel like I have grown so much in the past years..but still..I've only moved about 1/100 of a centimeter closer to the Lord. I try and I try...I willl keep trying.

Last night Ian and I were talking about the rapture. I want that to happen. I used to want so badly to get married and have children before the rapture. But I would be more than okay if Jesus came back before any of that happened. Who knows if I am even supposed to get married. I would definitely love to though. I want kids of badly. The other day I was holding Ezzie and pushing Kaleb and Genesis on the swings..it was so wonderful. I want that. I want kids of my own. Then I played Princess with G and we were on a mission to find her and Prince and I was her mommy. I never realized it much before..but I want someone to call me mommy. Is that crazy? I mean I am only 19. But it is definitely a huge desire of mine. If I could I would just get married, stop college and have kids. If that is what God wants for me of course. If not, that is more than okay. Because I know His plan is so much greater than mine. And for that I am so grateful.

Do we truly understand that we can die at any second? God can take us at any moment...why isn't that real to us? Or maybe it is real to everyone else other than myself?

Hmm....I have so much more to say. However, I am going to be late for my lunch date with Carrie.

His will.

Mind set.

I have been trying to have the right mind set. I feel like I keep getting distracted...more so by what is going on in my friend's lives. Hannah. I am quite worried about her. Sometimes I am totally fine not being in control but right now I seem to be struggling. I want so badly for her to wake up from this endless slumber she is in. I was to hit her..or something so that she will open her eyes. Only because I love her so much and I hate seeing her hurt. It really does hurt me. My heart seriously has been aching the past few days because of everything she is putting herself through. I just do not understand. I want to save her. I hate that I can't. I know it is all in God's control...sometimes I just get caught up in myself and want to take action in my own way and with my own timing. Wow. How terrible. To think that my way is even 1/16 better than the Lord's. What am I thinking? I just wish I knew what to do. I need to rejoice and bring Him praise and rest at His feet...this I know. Yet these past few days I just seem to be taking everything into my own hands. It does no good whatsoever.

I am so grateful that my God never changes. I feel Him sitting next to me right now. I wish I could hold His hand...as I write this I can't help but smile, cry and sigh because I know He is holding my hand right this second. I can feel it. I this feeling right now that I do not know how to describe. Wow. My precious Lord. Why me? I'm in The Break (coffee shop) and just feel like sobbing. Good tears though. Tears of joy, brokenness, surrender. This is Our God by Hillsong just came on my ipod. What a powerful song. It is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I've been struggling lately with eating. I feel like such advantage of what I have been given. Do I really need three meals a day? Do I need to go out constantly? Why do I have so much that I do not need? Why do I eat more than I need? What really is necessity? Ian's paper on simplicity really hit home. What have I been doing all of these years? What am I doing? Why am I so timid? Thoughts just keep coming.

I am so clueless. I still have no idea why I am here. It is time to sign up for classes next semester..and I keep putting it off because I don't even know what to sign up for..I don't even know what I want to major in. I don't know why I am in school. I am not as interested in it as others. I just want to worship the Lord with everything I do..and sometimes I feel as though I am not bringing Him glory with my schooling. Possibly because I have not been trying this semester. Maybe He is trying to teach me a lesson through it all. I wish I wasn't so clueless.

I trust in You. I don't want to be a doubting Thomas. I just read this..."when once the concentration is on God, all the margins of life are free an under the dominance of God alone. There is no responsibility on you for the work; the only responsibility you have is to keep in living constant touch touch with God, and to see that you allow nothing to hinder your cooperation with Him." Dang. Talk about stabbing me in the chest with conviction. Thank you Oswald Chambers. Ha ha ha! Wow..God really is trying to tell me something..a bit down the page it says..."We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for." Wow.

Your love that rescued the earth lives in me. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. I say it again...the same power that conquered the grave lives in me. Wow.

Oh, how your grace is so much more than enough for me.

Surrender.

Tea.

Oh today. You were wonderful.

I was a bum and slept until noon. Ha ha! How lame. But it was quite wonderful. Super wonderful actually.

So last night I talked with Haeli for about two and a half hours. Kind of crazy but good. Still thinking about it all...trying to think it all through and really seek the Lord. I just pray she finds Jesus in a new way some day and soon. No reason to get too into that story. I don't necessarily know what to say anyway.

I'm listening to Tracy Chapman right now..it's been quite sometime since I've listened to her. She's quite delightful.

My brother won't stop dribbling his basketball. It is so annoying. Gah! But whatever. I am sure he finds my singing all of the time annoying.

Today was a lovely day. I went on a super long run...made a few pit stops on the way. Stopped at River to the Rising to talk with Karisse. I just love her. She is such an encouragement to me :) Then ran over to the Lopez's and hung out with China, Kaleb and Ezzie for a bit. I am so grateful for them. So glad to call them my family. Tomorrow Ezzie turns the big uno. I can't believe it. Man, things have changed A LOT in a year. Weird to think about. I am glad things have changed though. I went and had coffee with Hannah today...it was definitely needed. I just feel like I can tell that girl anything. We went to a new coffee shop in town, got some goodness and then walked around town..down to the river and what not. It was so beautiful today!!! :) She knows how to calm me down and I don't know how. I tend to overthink ALL of the time. She brings me back to reality..if that makes sense. I love her so much. I don't think she realizes how special she is to me.

Ian and I had a really good conversation last night. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I love how God works that way. He truly is incredible. I am so glad that the Lord is our focus. It only draws me closer to the Lord and Ian. I love it. I miss him when I don't see him for a day. Ha. Is that lame? Speaking of Ian..he just sent me a text message :) I just really really want God to be glorified through him or and I..whether we are together or not. I'm more than okay with where we are right now. I like being significant friends. I have been done with the whole dating scene for quite sometime..it makes things complicated. Maybe we're courting? I don't know. That is old school. But it's okay with me! We are what we are I suppose. Whatever God wants for us, I want. I am not in any rush! I like this though. I like him and I. I just don't want to pressure him into anything. I don't want to distract him from the Lord. I don't want to distract him from healing that might need to take place. I don't want to distract him from his friends, family, schoolwork. I just want to be an encouragement! Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. It makes sense to me though. (I'm not really sure who I am apologizing to either..ha!) Hmm. It's all in His control. And I am so grateful :)

Today I listened to Shane & Shane all day...it was awesome. I love when I feel as though my mind set is in the right place. I love feeling as though I am holding God's hand throughout the day. Those are the best. I often wonder why I don't have them more often. My flesh gets in the way. Ugh. Stupid flesh.

I feel so calm right now. But on edge at the same time. Not on edge but just that something is bugging me. I have no idea. Maybe too much caffeine and not enough food. Possibly!

I want to be at the university library right now. That is all.

Beautiful yet fallen world, sunshine, coffee, one of my best friends, family, tea, shalom and most importantly my Lord...what a lovely day.

Pearl

Humble me Lord.

I just want to be where You are.

Thirst.

You hold everything together.

My mom just got a tattoo on her foot. She got the word laminin. Laminin is a cell adhesive molecule that is basically glue for your body. If we didn't have it..we would be mooosh!! And it is in the shape of a cross. How INCREDIBLE!!! He really does hold eveything together.

I feel so thirsty; physically, spiritually, emotionally. Today has been an interesting day. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It started off well..then just became kind of awkward. I don't like it when people don't like me. It upsets me. I just want to love them. Anyway, it's a long story but I am going to get into it..because writing (or should I say typing) it out will help.

First off...work was crazy busy today or maybe it just seemed like it. However, I was in my own little world the whole day. I have no idea where I was either. I was stuck at the espresso machine for most of the day..but I like making lattes and what not...it is fun to me! So after work..I meandered on down to the river..it's my chill, shalom spot and I usually go swing by myself there..or sit and look at rocks or stare at the mountains or something. So beautiful! However, Haeli was there when I pulled up with my friend Karisse and a few other people that I know. I don't know why it has to be awkward every single time I see her. It hurts. I mean I know she is hurting but I am being genuine. And trying to love her even if she thinks I am scum at the bottom of a pool. Which is understandable. Ugh. This sounds so petty. I didn't even mean to start having feelings for Ian. I was just planning on being his friend. That is all. I wish I could talk with Haeli. But I don't think she would be responsive with anything I would have to say to her. I just hope somehow my flesh gets out of the way and somehow she can see Jesus in me. I don't know how. I pray she finds the Lord someday. I am very grateful Karisse is in her life. She is such a light. I feel so bad. I want to give Haeli a hug or at least talk to her or something. But I suppose I am the problem here. Am I doing something wrong?

Ugh. Frustrations. I just really want God's will to be done. I am ready to just be married and not have to deal with any of this bogus junk. It is so lame.

I really like coffee. I have to open tomorrow...means I have to be to work at 7:30 am. Joy. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work but am grateful for my job.

Hannah and I found an apartment in Missoula (an hour away...where my school is). It is super sweet! I like it a lot. We'll hopefully be moving in June. I need to look for a job.

I've been thinking a lot lately about faith. Why do I have faith to an extent? When did it ever become okay to be like that? Sometimes I wish I could just see God. Ha. Depletes the purpose. I would be okay with going to heaven tonight. I just want to be with Jesus. Man...I can't wait to hug him (I'm tearing up as I type this). To thank him...hold his hand...kiss his cheek. This wait is so much more than worth it.

I've also been thinking about how we are a mist. We are here for such a short period of time. Why do we settle? Why are we lazy? Why do we say we're going to do things and then never do? I'm mainly speaking to myself. Ugh. Too many thoughts..I don't know if that is possible. I like to think.

I just want to love like Jesus. I want to realize how lowly of a person I am. I can't explain the yearning I feel inside. And it just continues to grow. I have no idea what Jesus is doing inside of me...but he is convicting me on so many different levels.

Jesus clothes my shame.

Wow.

Sometimes I just want to cry because I don't know how else to express my gratitude? Does that make sense?

Ian encourages me to be more like Jesus as the days pass. I am so grateful for who the Lord has made him to be. He is beautiful in so many ways. I'm so grateful. Jesus shines through him. That is so attractive to me. He inspires me. I don't even have words to describe how I feel. Like he said..it's beautiful, different and scary. (He said it better...he always does :) ) It scares me. But I love it. I just want the Lord to be glorified. I pray a lot about him and I...I just want God's will to be done. Whatever it is...I am wholly surrendered to it.

Holy is the Lord. Even in the storm, be glorified.

I am His. And His alone. I am overflowing with His peace at this very moment. Wow.

I went on a run today. Okay, it was more of intervals...sprint, walk, sprint, walk and it continued for quite sometime. Ohhh..it was wonderful! I do love me some running. So refreshing. I hung out with zeee tribe de la lopez this afternoon slash evening. It was wonderful. I love them so much. They are my family. Ezzie cried when I left today. It was precious..not that he was crying..but you know what I mean. Or do you? Ha! Water is tasty. I made a smoothie today...it has blackberries, banana, strawberries, blueberries and soymilk. Antioxidant party in my mouth. It was super good! Super delightful!

Rid me of myself Lord. I want nothing but more of You.

Judah.

You're grace is enough for me. More than enough. Wow. These past few days have been so wonderful!

Well...I returned to the beautiful land of Montana a few days ago...it was really strange to be back at first. However, now I am so grateful to be here. I know God wants me to be here and not in California. I still don't understand why...but I found closure when I was in California..and although it may seem sad to some people..it is so nice to feel closure. I was holding on to way too much bitterness and "what would have been" type situations. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I am not quite sure I will ever truly understand why I am in Montana. But it is for Him.

Have you ever thought that maybe we aren't low enough? Ian and I were talking last night about how God talked to Moses all of the time...and why it doesn't happen quite like that these days. We started talking about how we think too highly of ourselves and don't realize that we truly are NOTHING without Jesus. Why do we always give ourselves more credit that we deserve? Don't we see that we are just lowly people? Yet...God chose me..wow. I cannot comprehend that. I cannot fathom His love. I wish I could grasp grace. I am in awe with my Lord more and more as the days pass. Ian continues to open my eyes to more of who Jesus is each day and I am so grateful.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name. Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise.

I was just talking to my friend Karisse about praise. My friend Julian once told me with praise comes peace. I continue to hold on to that. It is so true.

I believe it is time for me to clean out my life..if that makes sense. I have no much that I do not need. Why do I continue to store up treasures on this earth when I know it will all go away in the end? I mean seriously. I want to be homeless. Is that strange? I feel like I need to be humbled. Hmmm..

Ashli amazes me more and more as the days go by. I cannot believe she actually reads the Bible. That is incredible to me. I never thought this day would come. Oh prayer and how powerful it is. How powerful God is! I am eternally grateful. Hannah. I know God will reach her at just the right time. I just wish she would stop being stubborn and going against what she knows is true. I want her to find her satisfaction in Him..not guys. I will continue to pray. Pray without ceasing. Do we really know what that is?

I have a test tomorrow..and here I am on this. Ha. Go me! Not. I told myself if I read through my study guide then I could take a break and write on this. I have been taking breaks like every five minutes. Probably why my grades aren't all that great. I have just been struggling with school this semester. I haven't been trying at all. I don't seem to have much motivation at all. There is no excuse.

Sometimes I wish I didn't like chocolate. Ha! Random. But true.

Praise.

Coffee

"Fall on Jesus and live."

Amen to that. The song I am listening to is super delightful. I should be studying for a test I have tomorrow in my music class. However, I am failing at the whole studying thang. I am incredibly done with school. And I just started in January. Problem? Probably so.

It's 11:29 pm. I am not used to Montana time. I just got back from California this afternoon. That trip was EXACTLY what I needed. It was incredibly hard for me to leave. Harder than I thought it would be. All around the trip was just fantastic. I feel like a lot of healing took place after I went and watched choir on Tuesday. I was so nervous when I was walking up those stairs. Memories flooded my mind. I literally felt as though I was going to throw up. (Sorry if that is too graphic, but it is the truth) I feel like my heart isn't as full of bitterness anymore. I suppose time and prayer with tell.

I miss it there. I don't know that I really miss California..I just miss my friends there. California and Montana are quite different...yet I love them both so much. It is strange. I wonder why God did this. I know it is for a reason. Sometimes I just wish I could get an explanation right this instant. I know it is worth the wait though.

What a refreshing and encouraging trip. My friends are growing in the Lord so much. He is shining through them like never before and I find so much encouragement in that. I am amazed at the people they are becoming. It is evident that they are letting God transform them. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for them :)

I've been thinking a lot about if I am supposed to continue to stay in Montana or what I am supposed to do. I haven't heard much. So I will continue to sit in the ark..and let Him lead. Sometimes I wish there was just writing on the wall that would tell me exactly what I need to do. Nevertheless, I am here waiting and I am His. Besides His timing is perfect.

Oh goodness...it was so, so, so, so, so great seeing Ian today! Wow. I could not stop smiling! He amazes me more and more as the hours, days, weeks, months pass. He leaves me speechless a lot of the time. The other day he told me that he sees Jesus in me...I almost started crying then and there. I have been praying for that for so long. :) I am literally at a loss for words right now. I just really want God's will to be done with him and I. I know God has a plan. And whatever it is...I am wholly surrendered to it. Wow. I haven't felt this way about someone...it is so incredibly different. So beautiful. Christ is the focus of our relationship..and it is truly amazing. I can't wait to pray with him :) I'm scared because I have done that in the past and it creates a whole never level of connectedness. (If that makes any sense whatsoever) I know it will happen when the time is right. Knowing that God is in control is so encouraging. Falling for a God fearing, loving, compassionate, tender, kind-hearted, respectable, simple man of God is quite amazing :)

To be simple. I want to learn how to do that. I want to learn how to have little and yet be overflowing with Christ's love. Mmmmm.

Dots

If I am rich in His love..shouldn't I be slow to anger, frustration, depression, jealousy and the like? I don't know. I don't know how I am feeling. I knew this was going to be inevitable. Every single time I am happy and things are going well in life...something like this always happens. I can't tell you how much I hate it and how tired I am of it all. Nonetheless, God is still more than good and I am still so incredibly grateful for His love, mercy and perfection. As well as many other things.

Man, it is so incredibly easy for me to get distracted by the world. I wish I could say it wasn't. I seem to fail more often than not. Yet am grateful for my failures and faults...because it always brings me back to my knees. Kneeling before Jesus...sitting at His precious feet...reaching out for Him. (Can I tell you..I don't ever describe someone's feet as precious! Ha!)

HIRh ohfoi aerh weorfo;dfy vpsu z;oy o9sy glehrkugto8 fyp9dsu pwU :j. That is how I feel right now. Ha ha! I need to go one a run. I don't want to leave. This is strange. Goodness, my mind is all over the place. I need some waterfall action over here to calm me down.

Lord, grant me Your peace.

Traffic Jam.

I hate having strange dreams that affect your day. I was trying to figure out why I was looking at old pictures of the past. It all makes sense. Stupid. This happens every single time and I am tired of it. Sometimes I just feel so helpless..like things will never change and go back. That that part of my heart will never fully return. I knew this would happen when I was in California. I hate it. Truly hate it. I know God has a plan. And I will continue to trust in Him. He is holy. Always. And I am so grateful.

Lord, I am wholly surrendered to you. Calm my anxious heart. Transform me into the woman you have called me to be. Let me not get in the way. And I pray that my thoughts, actions, way of life will be holy and pleasing to you. Everything I do and everything I am is for you.

Let me not be distracted by the ways of the world. I trust in you. You hold me in your hand and I don't understand why you chose me...of all people. I have no words. I haven't had words for quite sometime.

I want to be broken. I want to be poor in the eyes of the world but rich in your love. Take my life. Take everything I have. I can't do any of this on my own. I want you. I want your love. You are the only one that will fulfill my deepest desires.

There is a traffic jam in my mind...so many thoughts. It's overflowing. Take it away Lord.

I find my shalom in you.

I will adore you.

A song that comes to mind...

Beautiful by Kari Jobe

Here, before Your altar,
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh beautiful

here in Your presence,
I am not afraid of brokenness
to wash Your feet with humble tears
oh I would be poured out till nothing's left.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are, who You are

Beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh Lord You're beautiful, beautiful beautiful
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

Popcorn.

Happy day.

Hmmm...

This is definitely new for me...hmmm...

Here I am. Sitting and thinking. I never really thought I would come back and visit. I was always too afraid to follow through. I knew if I ever came back I wouldn't want to leave. It's easier when you disconnect yourself from the ones you love and miss. Lame, I know. Alas, I am here...in the wonderful land of California..trying to find closure. Trying to find a way to cure this bitterness within.

I'm not quite sure what I am thinking or how I am feeling at the moment. I'm so happy to be here. It's been so refreshing...exactly what I've needed. God's timing is perfect. I really am at a loss for words. That isn't always a bad thing either.

I miss him. I haven't felt this way in so long. It is so different. I am not used to this. I hope it is not too good to be true. His will. Not mine.

I don't have much to say tonight.

I am overflowing with gratitude. Shalom.